Oh Lord, we are in the last throes of January

2016-01-28 06:00
LAUGHING lunga adam

LAUGHING lunga adam

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So on Sunday we are bidding farewell to the longest month ever, and yours truly can already hear all those ululations and stomping of the feet going on all around Visionland.

Phew, what a stretch! No wonder some us always hold celebrations whenever the sunsets, come month end. Man, January can be so troublesome; let’s start with the Pravin Gordhan (financial) side of things. I mean, just the other day some guys broke into my house while I was fast asleep and demanded money. I had no choice but to get up off the bed and help them look for it. Almost every year, this is the month that sees grown men crying because of its ‘two-months-in-one’ effect. You are even wary of coming across kids in the street because they will ask for spare change to buy chips and you do not wanna be exposed. One feels rather useless.

People are so poor during the month of Jan that they cannot afford to even smile. Or pay attention. And you know what happens when people don’t smile. They snap at others at the slightest of irritation. You step on their shoes and they give you a funny look, as if to say you have committed the biggest of crimes. So you have to apologise for stamping on the shoe and also for being looked at funny. You comment on a person’s favourite team’s result during this month at your own peril, for it is easy for them to make a meal of it. All this because of the first month of the year that is January.

Poor Jan. I’m sure if months were able to talk, Janu-worry would be the most frustrated of the lot. It would be taunted by its peers – especially December – for causing a great deal of distress on society.

January would have to spend hours and hours trying to think what it is that it has to do to bring a bit more cheer among penniless folk.

I also think this month ending this coming Sunday is a case of perfect timing, for it means for those who work, there will be a noticeable change in their lunchboxes. Come to think of it, during Jan, you will find people feasting on the most inconvenient of meals, ranging from umbeko (leftover food) to umphokoqo, samp without beans, bread and tea, intyorontyoro, and so on. A large majority of those who partake of the juice of the vine will also be coming out of their self-imposed exile. This after telling all and sundry at the beginning of the year: “Ndibuyekile.” These fellas have you fooled for real. They will go nowhere near the drinking holes and on the odd occasion you will even find them clutching a Bible, on their way to the local church.

Umjita has suddenly seen the light, or so it seems. This is until February comes along and knocks some sense into all of us– it was all an act. Said bloke was broke. All the while, the fishers of men at the local church are left asking about his whereabouts until he reappears next Jan. I also know of those who would unashamedly and proudly proclaim: “Ayikho grand iweyi yokunkintsha ever naskhathi bafethu. Ndisa quit-ile.”

See what this month makes people do and say? The funny thing is that this is the case year after year, which can only mean that we do not learn from our past mistakes and we do not plan ahead for this monster of a month. It’s like going to fight Floyd Mayweather but not doing the necessary preparation beforehand. Talk about shooting oneself in the foot!

My only advice for the guys on how to beat the January blues is to find yourself a sugar mama for just this month. Why not? I’m told they fund lifestyles. Well, as long as you act according to the required instructions when the lights are switched off, anyway.

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