COLUMN: Spare a thought for the conned cell lover

2016-10-27 06:00
on the run lunga adam

on the run lunga adam

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Whoever invented the cellphone could not have foreseen the troubles these would beget, especially in this part of the woods.

Cellphones are a great invention, may I say, since every uphill Jack and his Jill or run-of-the-mill John and his Jocelyn seems to posses one nowadays.

Let me hasten to add, though, that the duration of possessing one is determined solely by how hardcore the rogues in your neck of the woods are.

Mobile phones, or rather people’s attitudes towards them, has given rise to a litany of problems.

Marriages have been rent assunder. Familial dinner table gatherings ain’t what they used to be. The bedroom is no longer the haven it is supposed to be. I digress: In the heat of last Thursday, I decided to make a visit to the local watering hole.

At the joint, seated opposite me was one lass who looked more of a regular there than I was.

She then took a call inside, despite the noise from the loud music.

The caller must have been a beau, for she was dispensing with him details of her whereabouts, lying through her teeth in the process though.

“I’m home,” I overheard her saying.

I also figured out that the caller must have been enquiring about the defeaning noise.

Hayibo! Ubhuti wam uhleli ne friends zakhe. Nguye lo uvulele umculo phezulu,” she said. Holy Mackerel! I screamed inside my head.

Then the masterstroke was her parting shot: “Ugqiba kwam upheka,”.

In utter disdain, I took a mighty gulp from the alcohol in front of me, stared at her a little and said a prayer in silence, on behalf of all of manhood, and for our cuckolded brother.

This took me back to a similar experience about a year ago. Stepping out of a taxi from work, I saw three girls I thought I knew well (nudge, nudge-nudge, wink-wink) standing at the street corner. They looked desperate.

One of them approached, asking to use my phone to call a Sipho, supposedly a boyfriend of one of them.

Poor Sipho was to be informed of the sad news that their rendezvous for that evening was cancelled. Reason? Her home had caught alight. In a matter of minutes, Sipho had received the news well and good, and the job was done.

The three, dressed for the evening, then vanished into the night.

To say I was speechless would be an understatement.

See, its the power of the cellphone.

They do cause a fair bit of mistrust, frustration and heartache.

Just the other night; queueing at the taxi rank, I suddenly saw the man in front of me take out his phone, press it once, place it next to his ear and blurt out: “Ndithini, Ndibhabhe?”

I think he had been tired of explaining to his nagging wife that he was still on the way, and that he was still in a queue at the taxi rank.

The worst is being in a serious relationship and then trying to phone a sweetheart on a Saturday evening and discover that the phone is constantly off. Heartache. Only to receive this excuse the following day: “Bendi kwamakazi and my battery had died on me, bae.” Yawn.

Also, today’s kids have it easy from their parents. Thanks to the cellphones and the proliferation thereof, they are spared the embarrassment of being sent packing as debt collectors. We were not!

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