The cold front is upon us, keep sdudlas ready

2017-05-11 06:00

Warm greetings to all and sundry.

Warm because, this time of year, warmth is all we need most.

As we are fast approaching June, who’s spell can turn grown men into cry babies-and me being single-, none of us wants to fly solo.

That aside, though, one phenomenon I want to bring to light is that of most men out there suddenly seeking comfort in plus-sized ladies during this season.

The modus operandi is as follows: you have your girlfriend that you’ve been dating for Lord-knows-how-long, but come May of every year, you start fishing around for a full-figured woman, so as to “survive” the harsh winter.

It is that period where these ladies start receiving messages on their phones, disguised as catch-up text: “Yhu, awusenqabe. Usahlala e Section 4?” or “Just checking if usasebenzisa le number na,” or “Wandilahla na?”, and “Ndiye ndakucinga nje.”

The demand is real out there. It can be likened to people flocking to Chicanos in Bellville during ulwaluko season.

I can only imagine things will get worse this time around, if the feel of the environment is anything to go by.

There was thunder and lightning in the Mother City last week Wednesday and it was hectic stuff.

I had never seen anything of that sort in my years of living in Jan Van Riebeeck land.

Being observant, I have noticed that this behaviour by the menfolk seems to bother our sistaz, judging by the buzz on social networks, and so this piece was a matter of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

I have decided to call up on men who seem to partake in this annual ‘ritual’ to kindly desist.

You can ask my acquaintances about my taste when it comes to the opposite sex.

It’s either plus-sized way or the highway. Simple.

You would be in a conversation with me, then a sdudla walks past, and there I would be, stretching out my neck looking over my shoulder.

The package, mtshana.

In fact, I can confidently say there is no greater sight than that of a well-endowed woman walking down the street, with all the charm and zeal, and strutting “the stuff”, shaking what her mama gave her.

For a man like me, those are heart-stopping moments indeed.

I can also shamelessly share with you, dear reader, the score when it comes to my dating game.

Since I entered the fray many moons ago, I have dated 17 plus-sized lasses, half-dated one slender girl and went out with three of the latter type. Geddit?

So it pains me as much as it does those to whom the treatment is meted out, when guys invade what I believe to be my territory for just that one period of the year, if only to keep the cold front at bay.

The cheek.

While still on it, why is it that fuller-figured women seem to have it tough on all fronts in our society? They are being body-shamed and, everywhere they go, they have to put up with being told to go to the gym.

Come to think of it, this section of society would not even bother entering the Miss SA competition.

The stereotypes need to fall, for it is 2017, for pete’s sake.

With these words, I am reminded of one female politician who, in defence of President Jacob Zuma and his shenanigans, said: “We will protect him with our buttocks.”

This remark caused a stir.

Well, seeing that I may be in trouble with a large male population for these comments this week, maybe that kind of defence might just see me through after all. Let’s wait and see (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

Warm greetings to all and sundry.

Warm because, this time of year, warmth is all we need most.

As we are fast approaching June, who’s spell can turn grown men into cry babies-and me being single-, none of us wants to fly solo.

That aside, though, one phenomenon I want to bring to light is that of most men out there suddenly seeking comfort in plus-sized ladies during this season.

The modus operandi is as follows: you have your girlfriend that you’ve been dating for Lord-knows-how-long, but come May of every year, you start fishing around for a full-figured woman, so as to “survive” the harsh winter.

It is that period where these ladies start receiving messages on their phones, disguised as catch-up text: “Yhu, awusenqabe. Usahlala e Section 4?” or “Just checking if usasebenzisa le number na,” or “Wandilahla na?”, and “Ndiye ndakucinga nje.”

The demand is real out there. It can be likened to people flocking to Chicanos in Bellville during ulwaluko season.

I can only imagine things will get worse this time around, if the feel of the environment is anything to go by.

There was thunder and lightning in the Mother City last week Wednesday and it was hectic stuff.

I had never seen anything of that sort in my years of living in Jan Van Riebeeck land.

Being observant, I have noticed that this behaviour by the menfolk seems to bother our sistaz, judging by the buzz on social networks, and so this piece was a matter of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

I have decided to call up on men who seem to partake in this annual ‘ritual’ to kindly desist.

You can ask my acquaintances about my taste when it comes to the opposite sex.

It’s either plus-sized way or the highway. Simple.

You would be in a conversation with me, then a sdudla walks past, and there I would be, stretching out my neck looking over my shoulder.

The package, mtshana.

In fact, I can confidently say there is no greater sight than that of a well-endowed woman walking down the street, with all the charm and zeal, and strutting “the stuff”, shaking what her mama gave her.

For a man like me, those are heart-stopping moments indeed.

I can also shamelessly share with you, dear reader, the score when it comes to my dating game.

Since I entered the fray many moons ago, I have dated 17 plus-sized lasses, half-dated one slender girl and went out with three of the latter type. Geddit?

So it pains me as much as it does those to whom the treatment is meted out, when guys invade what I believe to be my territory for just that one period of the year, if only to keep the cold front at bay.

The cheek.

While still on it, why is it that fuller-figured women seem to have it tough on all fronts in our society? They are being body-shamed and, everywhere they go, they have to put up with being told to go to the gym.

Come to think of it, this section of society would not even bother entering the Miss SA competition.

The stereotypes need to fall, for it is 2017, for pete’s sake.

With these words, I am reminded of one female politician who, in defence of President Jacob Zuma and his shenanigans, said: “We will protect him with our buttocks.”

This remark caused a stir.

Well, seeing that I may be in trouble with a large male population for these comments this week, maybe that kind of defence might just see me through after all. Let’s wait and see (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

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