How to fail effectively

2015-06-09 06:00

Fight with your parents.

Use phrases like “Of course I am studying, what do you think I am doing?” or, “Relax, Dad, you are far too tense, I have got plenty of time” or “I am on a study break, Mom, no-one can study forever.”

Slam your door; be obnoxious and rude. When your parents leave you alone, you will have succeeded in your mission.

Procrastinate

Delay, delay, delay! Find other, nicer things to do, wait until the absolute last minute before starting studying.

Spend longer on your cellphone, in the shower, at the gym, start watching the National Geographic channel because it is “relevant to what I need to be studying, Mom”.

Examine your skin, start a new novel – the thicker the better – procrastinate.

Believe the voices in your head

“You can’t do this, you have never understood it, you never will, so why try?” “I don’t know where to start.”

“Hey relax, you can always pass at the end of the year. June doesn’t count, there is plenty of time.”

“You will always get a low D no matter how hard you try.”

Be disorganised

Ensure that you have lost at least two of your textbooks or notebooks. Be careful not to stick your notes in and definitely not in the correct order.

Ensure that you are unsure what you have to study.

Stay at home in the last few days before you write to catch up on the work you haven’t started to study yet.

Pretend you are studying

Open your textbook, read it occasionally, don’t underline, highlight, write down keywords, revise difficult sections, teach the work back to yourself or use the notes taken in class.

Do it on your bed at an ang­le as close to completely horizontal as you can. Just sort of read your textbook.

Ignore your goals

Better still, don’t have any goals at all, then you can’t be disappointed with your marks.

Think of today only. Tomorrow, manyane, we can worry about becoming a doctor, a physiotherapist, a teacher, a human resource manager, an executive secretary.

Later, not now.

Ignore the obvious

Don’t ask for help with the fact that you freeze up in exams with anxiety.

Tell nobody that you are dealing with emotional issues that make studying difficult or impossible.

Blame someone

Blame anyone. How about the loadshedding? That cold that you can feel coming on, just how bad your History, Science, Technology, Geography teacher is, the exam paper that sucked, the hall that was just too cold… Blame somebody!

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