Boys can't dance
2005-04-20 07:34
I can't believe that, this year, there are going to be gay boys dancing together at matric dances across our beloved country. It's an affront to nature, damn it! The authorities mustn't allow it.
Obviously, when I say affront to nature, I'm not referring to the fact that these are going to be same-sex couples. Who cares about that in this day and age.
No, I'm talking about the fact that these boys can actually dance. It's not natural for boys to be able to dance. They're supposed to shamble around embarrassedly, apologising to their exasperated partners every time they kick them in the shins.
Then they're supposed to go skulk outside by the cars, taking surreptitious swigs from a hip flask. And while they're doing that, the girls start dancing together - well, the ones who aren't limping - and have a lot of fun doing all the Britney and Beyonce moves. Without in any way feeling a spark of same-sex attraction, I'm sure.
Wait a minute! That sounds like exactly the sort of scenario that's getting conservatives in a froth at the news that "a homosexual lobby group says it is to inform 59 secondary schools of the intention of one or more of their pupils to bring same-sex partners to their matric dances".
Although it's difficult to take seriously a group that meets in a lobby (get an office, for heaven's sake), it appears that the Gay and Lesbian Alliance ARE serious.
GLA said on Tuesday that "most of the pupils involved were its members, and that it was urging them to stand firm in claiming their rights".
'Standing firm together'
Yes, well, standing firm is part of the problem, isn't it. I remember my matric dance, and how difficult is was to dance cheek to cheek with my partner, and at the same time keep my pelvis as far away from her as possible, so that she wouldn't notice, um, how much fun I was having.
Now imagine that with two boys. It could get damn dangerous, I tell you. Those things get tangled up, and it'll take more than a bucket of water to get them untangled. And what about those poor straight boys (straight in a different way) that have to watch all this?
It's bad enough having girls tittering at your clodhopper ways, but you'll have absolutely no chance of scoring once they've twigged to the fact that there ARE some boys who can dance. At least when GLA's girl members dance together, it'll look just like any other co-ed dance party.
Okay, let's get serious for a minute here. First of all, let me apologise for pretending to believe that all gay men can dance. I've seen some pretty grim evidence that disproves that stereotype (nobody mention Abba).
And secondly, perhaps I shouldn't trivialise the issue. Same-sex couples should be a standard element of school life, as idealistic as that sounds.
Of course, when you consider where this call to arms comes from (or call to legs, I guess we should say), it's hard not to make fun.
According to News24, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance has also called on the government to spend less on antiretroviral treatment for people who contracted HIV/Aids through immoral conduct and dangerous sexual practices.
The sheer, abysmal stupidity of this boggles the mind, especially when the issue of homophobia is largely determined by the mainstream's definition of what constitutes immoral conduct.
I guess the GLA serve a more useful purpose than just making sure that at least some boys won't get laughed at by girls on matric dance night. And that's to remind us that straight people have no monopoly on bigotry, in the same way that Mugabe reminds us that Europeans don't have the monopoly on colonial avarice.
Chris Roper might not be gay. Wait, look, he's dancing! Ugh. He's straight all right.
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See Chris's previous columns on his blog The World.
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