And the TV award goes to . . .

By Kirstin Buick
16 September 2013

Our TV blogger is ready for the Emmy awards next Sunday and in preparation she hands out some of her own awards to deserving series.

It’s the Emmys next Sunday, my favourite awards show. I love watching the TV stars walking down the red carpet, checking out the outfits, watching them chat to one another. I love watching the clips of the shows, the speeches, the silliness. If I can, I take the Monday off so I can watch everything live in the early hours ? more fun that way and no way to spoil things by accidentally reading about winners. I could give you my predictions here but they’ll inevitably be wrong as these things are so personal, so I won’t. Instead here’s my list of awards and winners I would be giving out if they ever made me queen of TV Award Land.

 1. The Were-they-crazy-to-cancel-this-show Award

Happy Endings. Tell me you watched this belly-achingly funny show about Jane, Brad, Alex, Max, Penny and Dave, six dysfunctional friends living in Chicago. There were three seasons which aired on Vuzu. It’s sharp, witty with wonderful tongue-in-cheek pop culture references. And to make my point, here are three quotes from the show so you can appreciate why they need to win this fake award (and if it’s ever repeated, try an episode):

Max: “It’s my fault, I know, I’m sorry. It’s just I got all paranoid that you guys would move on and start doing rich stuff and I’d never see you guys again because you’d be going to Eyes Wide Shut parties or hunting people for sport with Tommy Hilfiger or whatever rich people supposedly do.”

Jane: “You’re right. I don’t have to be in charge, even though it’s better when I am.”

Penny: “Hi. Could you bring me a dress that's a little more affordable like maybe one from last season or one that somebody died in.”

Funny, right?

2. Best Dressed Award

Emily Thorne of Revenge. She had some tough competition as there are some wonderfully dressed women on TV but there’s something about designer wear in the Hamptons that is so appealing. Emily makes revenge seem like one stylish hobby. PS: Season 3 starts on M-Net at 8.30 pm on 20 January 2014.

3. Bazinga! Award

She had to beat off the Happy Endings people, Mindy Kaling of The Mindy Project and Phil from Modern Family but the award for best one-line zingers goes to the Dowager Countess of Grantham from Downton Abbey. She delivers her lines in the British period piece with scathing politeness and such dry wit. Who can forget her asking what a weekend was in season one? Here are some favourites:

Dowager Countess: “Don’t be defeatist, dear; it’s terribly middle class.”

Dr Clarkson: “You want me to lie?”

Dowager Countess:  “ ‘Lie’ is so unmusical a word.”

Lady Mary Crawley: “Sybil is entitled to her opinions.”

Dowager Countess: “No. She isn’t until she is married, then her husband will tell her what her opinions are.”

 

4. Exciting Future Show Award

It’s a tie. Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, which sounds amazing (agents solving unusual cases and looking for superheroes), has the lovely Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) in charge and is created by Joss Whedon, who rules when it comes to cool shows. And few things beat a good crime drama so I’m also looking forward to Broadchurch, a British series starring David Tennant the former Doctor Who. It’s about the death of a young boy at a small coastal town. DStv is airing Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D from 13 November on M-Net while BBC Entertainment will be sure to let us know when we’ll see Broadchurch.

5. Hottest Star Award

True Blood’s Alexander Skarsgård, because I am obvious that way and it’s my awards.

 6. Hottest star who isn’t Alexander Skarsgård

Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht) in Suits is setting the bar for gorgeous men wearing suits right now (sorry, Barney Stinson) and he shares the award with Idris Elba of Luther because he has to be one of the coolest British cops.

7. Best Baddie Award

Walter White of Breaking Bad. His ambition may be admirable, breathtaking even, but I’d like my second career to be a lot less violent, less druggy and with fewer explosives and acid baths.

 

8.Gang of Besties Award

This is the award for people I want to hang out with the most and it goes to The Big Bang Theory friends. I want to sit on the couch, eat takeaways, watch geeky movies, and laugh/be offended at Sheldon when he tells me I can’t sit on his spot.

9. Best Fighty Person Award

It was close but Russian spy Elizabeth Jennings of The Americans (played by Keri Russell) pips Nikita (Maggie Q) to the award. I actually think Nikita would win a fight between the two but Elizabeth has far more to deal with than Nikita. She’s living in the ’80s without cool gadgets, has a day job as a travel agent and two kids to take care of, even if she doesn’t always remember them when the spy business gets crazy.

10. Best “Noooo!” Moment Award

The red wedding in Game of Thrones. I still have the images of that massacre where Robb Stark, his mom, Catelyn, and his wife, Talisa, were killed. Shudder. It was expected as the show’s makers were following the book quite closely but it still shocked to the core.

11. She’s-got-your-back Award

Olivia from The Fixer. I want her to give me her card and tell me she owes me a favour because everyone wants a political fixer who has Washington in the palm of her hand on their side. Plus she has ex-CIA agent Huck working for her and could consult the president of America on my behalf. In fact maybe she should get two awards . . .

12. Best Blair Award

Blair Underwood gets his own special award because I’m that excited he’s back on TV (how is it this man never ages?) He plays a paraplegic cop solving crimes in the series Ironside and it starts on M-Net on 11 October. My crush on him goes back to LA Law days in the ’80s and this show sounds promising.

13. Favourite Couple Award

Olivia and Peter in Fringe. I finished the final season of this sci-fi series on Blu-ray and they were the perfect couple. Sure, he unwittingly cheated on her with her doppelganger from an alternate universe but these things happen when worlds collide. That aside, their love stretches over time, war with enhanced beings and so much more.

14. Best Crier Award She had no competition; no one cries like Carrie (Claire Danes) in Homeland. She ugly cries with huge, weepy eyes and an open mouth and you’re caught up in her emotions. Got to love her.

  •   The Emmys are live on M-Net at 2 am on 23 September (Monday morning) and repeated at 8.30 pm.

  • & Watch Live from the Red Carpet: The Primetime Emmy Awards at midnight on 23 September on E! (channel 124)

 -Natalie Cavernelis

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