There’s nothing better than a boerebraai!

By admin
10 September 2013

Afrikaners are rowwe boere with many weird and wonderful customs and there’s nothing they love more than a braai. Here are some rules to follow that should ensure you live to tell the tale – and have a pretty good time too.

I’m proudly Afrikaans on both sides of my family. Both my great-grandfathers fought in the Boer War and one of them was a Cape Rebel, nogal. So before you go apoplectic with rage at my insolence, rest assured my Afrikaner pedigree is impeccable. In fact, just think of me as your friendly neighbourhood rock spider.

Afrikaners are rowwe boere with many weird and wonderful customs and there’s nothing they love more than a braai. Here are some rules to follow that should ensure you live to tell the tale – and have a pretty good time too.

Rule 1: Bring food

The host and hostess will tell you not to. Do not believe them. Of course there will be enough food to feed the Blou Bulle, and probably the Cheetahs too, but if you arrive with something that is not known to induce heart attacks (for instance, a pot plant) you will be secretly judged as snoep. Meat is always a safe bet. More is more when it comes to Afrikaners and dead animals.

PS: Ostrich sosaties from Woolies don’t count. If it had wings, it’s not meat.

PPS: Saying no to seconds and even thirds will be mortally offensive to the hostess.

Rule 2: Bring your own booze

Most Afrikaner houses are stocked with enough alcohol to make your local bottle store looked under-supplied. Afrikaners are also extremely generous with their booze. Yet this doesn’t mean you should arrive empty-handed or, heaven forbid, toting a single bottle of expensive wine. Save that for a dinner party with your English friends, please.

Rule 3: Dress code

Many Afrikaner women believe looking their best is their duty. Seldom will you catch them without high heels, full makeup, blow-dried hair and gel nails. At an informal gathering they’ll wear what is known as a jean. Just like there’s no such thing as too much eye shadow, there’s no such thing as a too-tight jean. Afrikaner women prefer a high-waisted jean (probably because most of them have sexy, child-bearing hips). If a jean is low-slung, expect to see a lacy G-string winking at you.

Afrikaner men will wear a long pant only if they need to hook their Leatherman onto their belts. But at parties they prefer to wear a short and nothing else. The length of the short is usually inverse to the size of the boep.

Rule 4: Prepare to fight for your life

As a rule Afrikaners are ridiculously overgrown. This is probably because they’re raised on meat and mielies. Even a 13-year-old Afrikaner girl is able to stand in as a prop for the Blitzbokke at a pinch if her parents would allow it. This is why, at an Afrikaner party, men, women and children will arm-wrestle you, make you pick up heavy things and try to drown you in the pool. This is called fun.

Rule 5: Dancing is non-negotiable

It doesn’t matter if you’re at a braai, a funeral, a christening or a dinner party – sooner or later you’ll be expected to “shake it”. Of course, Afrikaners can’t shake much besides a bottle of JC le Roux Le Domaine or a Soutie who’s forgotten his manners, but they love their dancing. Be prepared for anything from indoor windsurfing to Gangnam-style to moshing, but most prefer the type of dancing that requires a wide-legged stance with a lot of pelvic thrusting and hair shaking.

And finally . . .

A proper Afrikaanse boerebraai can be the most fun you’ll ever have with your clothes on. Just remember not to break anything – and by anything I mean your bones, your liver or that teapot passed on by the host and hostess’ great-great granny. Otherwise you should be fine. Fatter, but fine.

By Lili Radloff

Find Love!

Men
Women