This country is being plagued by the Seven Deadly Sins (or, “challeenged by thee seveen deddly seens,” in the vernacular) as never before.

Drink one standard beer glass (340ml) of Old Brown Sherry; just to banish your stage fright and relax the nerves.

I spent the last week up in the mountains and decided to read up on some mountainsy stuff. Right off the first putt I ran into some attention-grabbing facts – like the proverbial Molehill of a Mountain Cliff-hanger.

I have to confess (and I’m not even Catholic!) that I’m much more concerned about accidentally passing gas in a crowded lift, than by the odourless greenhouse gas which seem to trouble former US vice president, Gory Al.

Don’t you sometimes get irritated by a certain cliché, or catch phrase, which is repeated 'ad nauseum' to a disgustingly, ridiculous degree in a conversation?

How often have you bought insect killer spray and actually read what is written on the can?

I remember an old John Wayne movie (McLintock?) in which he says: “I won’t, I won’t. The hell I won’t!” and then proceeds to beat up the bad guy.

I’ve always been sceptical of conspiracy theories. The: “We Never Went to the Moon” conspiracy, or conspiracies about “Groups that Secretly Control the World”.

Woke up this morning to news of the Boston marathon bomb blasts. What should have been terrifying news; left me yawning.

Does anyone ever listen, I mean – really LISTEN – to what spokespersons, officials, and politicians say?

I misspent the blissful days of my youth in a town next to the largest man-made hole in the world – Kimberley. Back then, the town was a bustling rural community

The fifth BRICS summit will be hosted at the iNkosi Albert Luthuli International Convention Centre (iNALICC) in Durban, from 26 to 27 March.

The Tokoloshe is alive and well and living with a Silverton doctor! Sounds like something from the Daily SUN, doesn’t it? But it’s true.

The National Zoological Gardens of South Africa, situated in Pretoria, is just another typical example of what happens when you put monkeys in charge of a major tourist attraction – it falls to pieces.

Of all the Chinese dialects, English-Chinese is the most difficult to become really skilled at.

For most of us, who, unlike our illustrious president, don’t have the odd R200-million to spend on beefing up the security of our homes, the following might prove useful.

A sure sign that people have lost the plot is when everyone is encouraged to sign a “Pledge,” or “Code of Conduct.”

It would seem as if every day is a “Day” to be celebrated. We have World Aids Day, St. Valentine's Day, Mothers Day, No Smoking Day, Doris Day (90 years old)

Authorities in China have proposed rules to limit the number of flies in public toilets.

In this country – where minimum wages are determined by law – people will often strike (sometimes with dire consequences and loss of life) because they do not earn a “living wage.”

Nowadays everything is either “e,” or, “i.” We have eTolling, iPads, eMail, iPods, eNews, eTaxis, iRukandji, e-Filing, eTcetera, eTcetera.

I have always been fascinated by rites and rituals. Just seeing a priest strolling down the centre aisle in church – swinging those little canisters

This article contains a Valentine’s poem that I want to dedicate to my lovely wife. My better half.

A while ago I wrote an article called: Proudly South African. NOT! Some readers were annoyed at my lack of patriotism. Here’s an update: I’m still not Proudly South African.

I grew up during an age where gays were called “Moffies,” blacks were called the dreaded “K” word, and white men were addressed as “Baas.”

I was born at a very early age, but even so; I vaguely remember Mother complaining that she had Postnatal Depression.

DO NOT TRY ANY OF MY SNAKEBITE ADVICE AT HOME. (Or anywhere else, for that matter!)

I grew up in this country and came from a relatively poor family.

In his inaugural address Franklin D. Roosevelt is credited to have said: “Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Here is my 2013 New Year’s resolution: I’m going red. I’m going to actively oppose the “Green” movement.

Let’s take a break from the never-ending laments and disputes between the Christians, atheists, scientists, racists, and politically incorrect comments on these pages.

In a moment of weakness, I did the evil deed.

Ever since my days in the Army, I’ve recognized the importance of toilet paper and its place in society.

I decided to give the whole Mung-ghauung, Man-going, Mgggauung, Bloemfontein-thing, a pass. But then I saw what must surely be one of the most bizarre news headlines of the year: “Zuma seeks the moral high ground.”

With just a week to go before we say a final goodbye to this corrupt young democracy of ours, I’m willing to clutch at any straw that might help to break the camel’s back.

From the intensity and severity of the insults, and the disdain and contempt with which the atheists regard the Christians, the Christians are an insignificant number of oddballs.

More is known about the brown-throated sloths, which live in the Amazonian jungle, than about the woollen socks that inhabit the bottom drawer of our dressing tables.

The world will definitely, absolutely, unquestionably, positively, and without a doubt, come to a final, irreversible end on the 21st of December.

Old Aesop, teller of fables, lived hundreds of years ago, but he certainly understood greedy politicians and their evil ways.

Last year I bought a new house, and, in a moment of weakness I decided to buy “organic compost” for my garden and lawn.

Do I care about the hundreds of millions spent on Showerhead’s compound in Nkandla? NO! Not in the least! Not anymore!

Being single and desperately trying to get married (again), I did some research on the regarding the rules and regulations of this, the second oldest, game in town.

After many decades of connubial blisters, I’ve lost my status. But, being a glutton for punishment, I want it returned to me.

Wait! Before all you Showerhead suppottas grab hold of your pangas, knobkieries, stolen SAPS 9mm Berettas, spears, and other traditional weapons.

Don’t you just love poorly written news reports? They make my day – especially when the news item is also funny.

I’ve just received an e-mail addressed to scores of recipients. In the mail, people are invited to attend a “New Beginning” mass meeting in Rustenburg on the 20th of October.

The children nowadays have very little respect for their schools, teachers, or themselves.

This is not a story about a “Jacuzzi,” whirlpool bathtubs, or hot tub spas.

This story is extremely tongue-in-cheek. For those who do not regularly read the drivel I write, stop reading. NOW!

When last have you checked the price tag of milk on the shelves at your favourite shop? Supermarkets are milking us dry with this clever little scam.

On a recent visit to a game farm, the conversation drifted towards the Big Five. (No, dummy, not the five million bucks that is stolen by the average politician each year – we were talking “Big Five,” animals.)

I’ve often wondered if fairy tales are actually based on true incidents and events. Imagine that the Jack and the Beanstalk story happened in South Africa today.

So. You want a job. Why should I, or any other potential employer, give you a job?

Throughout the strike it has become clear that no one has any idea of how to handle the striking miners, or the “challenges” that surround this issue.

Purely by chance, I tuned to 702 and heard the last fifteen minutes of a Spirit Guide who was giving “guidance” to some listeners (suckers) who called in.

JayJay grabbed hold of my computer by its remotely ***euphemistic dingus, and klapped the motherless board faster than you can say Umshini Wami!

Let me share some of the contents of the preposterous Government Employees Pension Fund’s quarterly newsletter for pensioners with you.

Once upon a time . . . after 1994 . . . in a land south of the Limpopo, a young princess grew up happy and content in spite of potholes, corrupt politicians, and her jealous stepmother.

The following tale is loosely based on the truth – unlike the stories of Struggle Heroes and Honest ANC Politicians – which are based on outright lies.

Have you ever considered keeping an ant lion for a pet? Try it – you might be pleasantly surprised.

For those who are sceptical of the paranormal and supernatural; this is for you, the true story of a haunted chair.

Where in the world have you ever heard of a business that encourages its customers to use as little of its product as possible?

There are thousands of people who worship dogs. My neighbour is one of these – a serious Dog Worshipper. He devotes most of his spare time idolizing his two little mongrels.

The cops spend their time gambling – while those that they are supposed to protect get robbed, raped, and murdered.

How do you know the years are catching up on you? Is it the increase in aches and pains, the loss of mobility and hair? Let me tell you.

First off, you might find it strange that I nearly died during a war that ended many years before I was born, but carry on reading – all will be explained.

Modern technology is scary. Now you can even arrange your own funeral when on a visit to *Witbank.

Why are SMSes and mobile advertising not recognised, by law, as harassment and infringement on your privacy?

If your body is to be broken up into chemicals and minerals, what do you think it will be worth?

Lead SA and Talk Radio 702 have launched the Mandela Day Schools Project to celebrate Mandela’s birthday. What are they celebrating?

“More doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.”

Anyone with access to the internet, and the ability to read, can Google any subject.

We have all become used to the corrupt, greedy, and useless ANC politicians who “rule” (ruin) this country. But how long will their voters put up with this?

I say that the traffic cops are inefficient, corrupt, incompetent, and in most cases, unhelpful.

The people of this country shall never be reconciled. Prove me wrong, and I’ll give you an all-expenses paid holiday, of your own choice, anywhere in the world. *Terms and Conditions apply.

Have you been to a hospital lately? Were you “Just Visiting” – as in Monopoly – or were you booked in as a fully fledged inmate of the House of Horrors?

Unfortunately no one has yet come up with the answer to one of the major reasons for the high incidence of accidents in this country, called: “Lost Control.”

Worship. Take away the rituals, rites, and mumbo-jumbo, and what have you got left? Not much.

When last have you seen a church that does not have some sort of moneymaking scheme on the side?

The next day I woke up wearing a T-shirt with the logo: “I’m Possed as a Pye Eyed Pissum,” written across the front. And a grumpy wife

Did you get your free blue t-shirt at the DA march? Are you one of the mindless idiots who think that “democracy” means that everything is free?

It would seem as if the daily news consists mainly of four things: politics, crime, mayhem, and sport.

Are you ready for 21 December 2012; the day the world will end? Have you got your affairs in order or will you be caught running around like a headless chicken in a shopping mall?

There are a lot of weird people out there - and I don’t mean just in our country.

Contrary to what you might think, the vast majority of South Africans are not animal lovers – in the normal sense, that is.

Friday, the 27th of April, will see Freedom Day celebrations in this country. Once again the day will be celebrated by the usual rent-a-T-shirt crowd.

Instead of originating from monkeys and living in caves, are we not perhaps related to fruit and trees; growing in gardens and orchards?

The despicable behaviour of two Durban cops illustrates just one of the many hazards which the ladies of the night have to face.

The diverse nature of the people in this country is reminiscent of a scene from one of the Star War movies.

Lately, whenever people meet – no matter if they’ve never seen one another before, the question: “How are you?” is always asked. Why? No one really listens to the reply.

With the cost of petrol now on par with the price of Johnny Blue, special precautions have to be taken to secure the contents of the fuel tank.

Is it just me or are we seeing the same movies over and over; with the same storylines and dialogue and the actors doing and saying the same things?

The aim of playing an April Fool’s Joke is to get some gullible fool to believe a tall story. Do you fall for it?

Giving someone a tribal name, or nickname, makes it so much easier to understand where they come from and what to expect from them.

With a lightning lunge, I dived for the wall plug! My trembling hands ripped the plug from the socket and I fell back to the floor – sweating and heaving – my heart pumping savagely.

We are all familiar with the following wets (words): lennas (learners), teechas (teachers), wekkas (workers), sokka (soccer), cheeps (chips), and Malema’s favourite: pee pull (people).

If you grew up like me (white and under apartheid), you might have missed going on strikes or protesting in the streets. Here’s your chance to make up for lost time!

Some people might scoff at the paranormal, unexplained, and miraculous experiences of others. Let me share my own supernatural encounter with you – then you can decide what to believe.

Open any newspaper, listen to the news, watch TV, check out the internet – the news is grim and, mostly, depressing.