A presidential look back at 2013

2013-12-29 10:00

I step into the shoes of President Jacob Zuma to examine the year that was and coach the president on what to tell the nation

Fellow South Africans. We have come to the end of a very eventful year in the life of our republic. Personally, as your president, I have come to the end of an even more eventful year than most of you.

I am pleased to inform you, fellow patriots, that in spite of all the efforts of our detractors and enemies, you and I remained joined at the hip throughout the year.

You will all remember that as 2012 drew to a close, there were efforts by some within the ruling party to unseat me as president of the ANC with a view to then remove me as president of the country. At the same time, there were attempts by an opposition party led by a young lady (whose ample proportions, incidentally, fit my marriage specifications) to have a vote of no confidence against me debated in Parliament.

By the grace of God, Allah, Camagu, Ganesha, Jah, Yahweh and all the deities that our people believe in, we survived these attempts to separate us. I am still with you.

This has been a year of great achievements for our nation. Much attention was focused on the hosting of the Brics summit, a historic first for South Africa and our continent.

The summit brought together the heads of state of Brazil, Russia, India and China. I can’t really remember much of what happened there, except that we discussed important stuff about important stuff.

But I really liked the Brazilian president. She is plump like Angela Merkel. Our two countries can really do good business together. You know what I mean.

However, the really great achievement of the year was our hosting of the Wedding of the Year at Sun City.

Many of you will remember how 200 wonderful people on a Jet Airways flight arrived at Waterkloof Air Force Base wearing garlands and playing Indian maskandi music. True to the spirit of ubuntu, we gave them a warm royal African welcome.

Our police were on hand to escort them to the wedding venue with our famed blue lights and sirens. South Africans were their considerate selves and politely moved over the yellow line for our valued guests.

Due to unforeseen circumstances (the racist media made a big fuss about the whole thing), I could not attend the wedding. My friend, Atul, did bring me pictures and some leftover breyani from the wedding.

He is such a nice man. He does me wonderful favours and all he ever wants in return is that I phone ministers and government officials on his behalf.

Compatriots, the other important thing I need to share with you is that we are safe. Forget about the crime statistics that the social worker lady with the funky hairdo tells you about. There are more important matters of state security to worry about than murder, rape and robbery.

During the course of this year, construction on the presidential compound was completed. Our architects and construction companies proved that the building of the 2010 World Cup stadiums was not a fluke. If any of you have the privilege of visiting the burgeoning metropolis of Nkandla, you will see this with your own eyes.

Once you have seen the Nkandla compound, you will feel as safe as I, your president, feels. It is equipped with state-of-the-art safety features such as a chicken coop, a cattle kraal, a spaza shop and an Olympic-sized blue-water reservoir. With such security, you should know your president is totally secure and therefore the republic is also secure.

Some noisy people have complained about the chicken coop and cattle kraal, but what they fail to understand is that when you have a nephew with Khulubuse’s appetite, you have to take all measures to protect the food on your property.

Fellow citizens, as the year drew to a close, we lost the founding father of the nation, Nelson Mandela. When we gathered at the FNB Stadium to celebrate the life of this titan, you showed your confidence in our policies by proclaiming that an economic boom is on the horizon.

As 91 heads of state and millions of people from around the world looked on, you all shouted “Boom! Boom!” whenever I, your president, appeared on the screen. This was the height of patriotism.

As we look forward to the celebrations of the 20th anniversary of our democracy, let us recommit ourselves to the betterment of the lives of our leaders.

You will recall that most ministers last bought new official cars nearly five years ago. It has also been almost five years since ministerial residences were renovated. The higher education minister has been complaining bitterly at every Cabinet meeting that he has not seen the inside of a Cape Town five-star hotel in years. If you heard him whinge and whine in that high-pitched soprano every week, you would allow me to loosen the purse strings.

My people, you will have recently seen in the media that I visited Venda a few months ago. While there, I witnessed a magnificent sight: dozens of women lying prostrate in front of me and clasping their hands as if begging for something. To the mind of the reasonable man, this could only mean one thing.

I have, therefore, complied and there will soon be a wedding ceremony at the newly renovated presidential compound in Nkandla.

On behalf of my wives, my cattle and my chickens, I wish you all a prosperous 2014.

» Makhanya is editor at large

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