A schlong-swinging contest

2015-02-02 15:00

The EFF is threatening to go naked to Parliament if they can’t wear their overalls. So if Parliament was starting to look like a Zuma-Malema schlong-swinging contest, it is about to become one literally.

Sushi king Kenny Kunene could make a comeback and teach them self-actualised consumerism: eat sushi off yourself.

Of course, if you are serious about economic change, what you really want to do is use up court time fighting for your working-class fashion statement.

But when we know you get R80?000 a month each, with benefits, how poor can you really pretend to be? Dressing like a poor person to represent the poor is like wearing a doek to represent black people – Helen Zille vibes for days.

The DA, on the other hand, is far more ironic about its hypocrisy. Cape Town was the 2014 World Design Capital but they are also against graffiti and pimped-up cars. That’s like Tim Noakes owning a potato farm. Carb-gag alert.

Next the DA will ban nose rings, tattoos and people with funny hair.

Basically they’ll ban DJs and Vuzu. DJ Fresh, get a visa, boet.

Ironically if you live in Cape Town and want them to ban bucket toilets, put wheels on them and tell them it’s a modified car.

Then you could give tourists the full apartheid experience and let them drive your bucket toilet down De Klerk Boulevard.

If I ran Cape Town I would just call the roads Helen 1, Helen 2, Helen 3, etc.

At the very least, call one Lindiwe Mazibuko Boulevard, because unlike the De Klerk one, Mazibuko Boulevard might get you to Harvard.

The ANC is working on upping the fertility rate, which is going extraordinarily well. They turn the lights off every night, right when you get home, so baby making is all you can do.

You know how you sometimes miss a service and your car let’s you know by just stopping? Our ruling party pulled that off with our entire power grid.

Allegedly we are waiting on a mythical power source called Medupi, but like unicorns and tokoloshes, Medupi is only real in The Daily Sun. Never mind Jesus, tell us you will rule until “mad-upi” comes, and we’ll know you mean forever.

Eskom could at least do us the favour of coming up with entertaining excuses for its power cuts. Sorry, Khulubuse Zuma (nephew of President Zuma) ate all our coal. Or, sorry, Khanyi Mbau tried to use the lobola calculator app. Or, sorry, rappers Cassper Nyovest and AKA tweeted away all the electricity. I guess we shouldn’t judge.

As Angie Motshekga says regarding our president’s enlightened opinions on gender, “we all say dumb things”. Lucky she’s not the minister of education. Oh, wait. Damn!

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