After four dates I knew it was time to say goodbye

2012-10-26 12:29

I’m 34 and for what seemed like forever (it was actually four days) I dated a 22-year-old.

It was easily the most ill-informed decision I’ve ever made.

I should have known on our first date, when I took her to a friend’s dinner party.

The lamb curry was as hot as the feverish debate about who played the better solo on the 1959 Kind of Blue record – John Coltrane or Miles Davis.

Not one to be outshone, my new girlfriend felt the urge to contribute at the top of her voice.

‘That reminds me of the Nicki Minaj and Lil’ Kim battle,’ she shrieked.

The room immediately fell silent. I couldn’t breathe for a good four seconds.

I mumbled something about it being a joke and everyone giggled awkwardly. But I knew the damage was done.

On our second date I thought I’d introduce her to a Japanese delicacy.

We sat at a sushi bar and I kept trying to tell her what the different sushi dishes were, including a chirashizushi.

She glanced at me for a second with absolute indifference and carried on BBMing.

It took exactly 12 seconds before she called the waitress.

‘Do you guys have a quarter pounder deluxe here?’

The Japanese lady looked as if she’d been slapped across the face by The Rose of Soweto.

I stood up, paid the bill and left the restaurant without saying a word.

By the time we hit our next date, I’d slept for a total of four hours in as many days, had 17 shots of tequila in my system, depleted savings and had missed an important meeting because she’d insisted that not seeing The Avengers would ruin her life.

I knew it was time to say goodbye.

We sat in my car as I patiently explained that I was one sip of an energy drink away from a heart attack and simply couldn’t keep dating her.

She giggled uncontrollably.

‘No, Boo, we ain’t dating, we’re just kicking it.’

» Kabomo is a creative schizophrenic, a musician, producer and writer. He is into older women now.

» Get your iMag with City Press on Sunday

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