An education in weirdness

2012-07-16 10:10

It’s mid-afternoon on Saturday. I’ve just hit send on my keyboard for the last time for the week.

I’m mentally and physically ravaged.

Not only did I spend the night before attempting the world record for combined stout and hookahs consumption, but the last two days of my life have been spent chasing another urban legend about the Commander in Chief.

I’m in bad shape and in desperate need of diversion.

I reach for the remote to turn on the football and realise too late that it’s still off-season.

Yes, Black Leopards are in the African Champions League, but it’s a dead game and our boys are already on their way out of the tournament.

Things are dire. Not only is there not any footie, but Durban’s beaches are closed.

The Sharks Board have moved the nets because of the front tearing into the city, bringing with it massive seas and there’s the beginnings of a rat bastard gale force wind that’s billed to nail the coast for the next 24 hours.

I could go wandering along the beachfront, arguably the prettiest part of Mike Sutcliffe’s 10-year legacy, but that would mean me running into either him or a rollerblading former lover (his not mine).

It’s also like a wind tunnel down there.

What do you do in Durban on Saturday afternoon when you can’t hit the ocean or watch football and it’s too early in the day to start beveraging, an activity which, time has taught, is best started after the sun sets.

I set off for the University of KwaZulu-Natal’s Westville campus.

Big James, the elder of the fruits of my loins, is competing in a bodybuilding competition.

I’ve spent several months listening to his avid descriptions of muscle building routines, diets, supplements, so I figure I might as well pop in.

It’s like I’ve been in training I know so much detail about this game.

Live and direct, it’s an education in weirdness.

There I am stuck in the front row watching other men with an unhealthy fascination with their own – and one another’s – bodies strutting around in Speedos covered in that spray-on tan which always turns out orange.

It’s oil city out there. I make a run for it.

My options are shrinking faster than a steroid-addled testicle. Suddenly I’m desperate enough to attend the mystics’ convention at the casino.

I’m not joking.

What could be more ironic that holding a gathering of charlatans and desperate believers at suppurating eyesore that makes millions out of desperate believers who throw away their hard-earned shekels in the belief that they – unlike everybody else – will beat the house?

Then my mobile rings. It’s salvation, albeit from a rather strange source.

It’s the Ghenginator, self-proclaimed apostate extraordinaire, and South Africa’s most drunken Muslim, with the offer of a braai and bevvie session followed by a live band at Live.

I’m saved.

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