Beware of stampeding buffalo

2014-12-08 13:45

We are finally going to find out what these secret national key points are. It’s good for everyone, except video jock Sizwe Dhlomo, who thinks he is a national key point.

An open-information society is a healthy one.

Take this report that just surfaced from 2011 revealing that police officers apparently committed 36 rapes, 21 armed robberies, and 36 murders and attempted murders in that year. Lucky the president has his fire pool for protection.

Information is pivotal in a country where the truth is so contested, like the information that 20 years into democracy only 14 of the 100 wealthiest people in South Africa are black. So the rumoured “white genocide” must involve being squashed by money?

The facts you show us reveal that we have a segment of white compatriots who enjoy peeing on black people, beating up black women and mugging black workers. When people warned everyone about the alleged “white genocide”, they should have clarified who the victims were.

If Agang had the facts, they would know that we didn’t need a DA for black people. We already had one. They called themselves Cope. Now I hear that the two Agang members in Parliament are fighting each other. How do you have factions when there are just two of you? It’s not “Anything but Zuma”, it’s “Anything but That Other Guy”.

And getting the facts from Eskom is almost impossible. There’s so much load shedding, you’d be forgiven for thinking Eskom is relying on Vodacom to deliver power. It’s become so bad we are going to need a schedule for when there is electricity, not for when there isn’t.

Parliament has turned into one big home upgrade debt collection facility. Apparently this high-grade security fence at Nkandla, which cost us about R17?million, is already broken.

It’s disgraceful.

Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa could have hooked us up with that cash. Let’s stick to the facts, it’s just one buffalo and a calf. Comrade Cyril’s buffaloes are worth R19?million. Basically, they are what Louis Vuitton uses to make handbags.

In the interests of fact-collecting, I asked deputy president Ramaphosa at the Ahmed Kathrada Foundation lecture the other day if “nation-building” means having more sex.

That evening there was an awkward moment when the foundation’s Twitter feed on the screen above Comrade Cyril suggested it follows Atul Gupta. True story.

It’s unnecessary with Comrade Cyril because he is his own Gupta. As I told him, he is like eight Nkandlas, including the tuck shop.

Now I hear Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng and Justice Minister Michael Masutha are at war. My guess is that Masutha called Mogoeng by his first name.

@chestermissing is SA’s top political puppet and one of New African Magazine’s Most Influential Africans of 2014

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