Buck up or butt out

2009-09-19 13:44

SPRING is here and I couldn’t be more irritated. I hate the scorching sun, the smell of flowers makes my stomach turn and don’t get me started on the flies and mosquitoes.

I’ve never been one to let go easily, especially of winter nights and my electric blanket.

But the reality of this season is inescapable, the heat is here and I’m feeling it.

“So what’s in this season?” I asked a friend. “Flesh and more flesh,” she said revealing her thighs under a long floral skirt.

According to her, if you have a flat stomach and thighs like ­Serena Williams, there’s no better time to put them on display than now.

Skimpier shorts and less fabric is apparently the way to go this season.

“Blame the recession, we can’t afford to buy a whole outfit nowadays,” she joked.

But she’s not the only one who’s turning spring into flesh season.

I visited our local park this past weekend and nearly half of the women were in their bikini tops.

Even those who had no business showing off their stomachs in public were rocking what their mamas gave them. Their confidence and lack of ­interest in what the rest of us thought of them made them look so sexy.

It was also amazing to watch how this bold display of stomachs, stretch marks, thighs and butt cheeks excited almost every man at the park.

Sitting comfortably in their camp chairs, they analysed every woman who walked past them as if they were judging Soweto’s next top model.

The remarks ranged from “Pakistan has moved to Soweto” to “Nkamodira that one”.

But I have issues with the unfairness of this spring fever.

While men are busy salivating over our exposed bodies, we have nothing to jump up and down for. Our men are just not stepping up to the plate.

I’m tired of being harassed by men with huge beer bellies and sneakers that smell like a dead rat.

Get rid of the sneakers and you are confronted by long and unkempt toe nails which look like mould has been growing on them all winter.

My grandmother always said if a man can’t groom his nails or wash his dirty sneakers, you can only imagine what his socks and underwear smell like.

But then again, women have ­also lowered their standards when it comes to choosing eligible partners.

I recently spent an hour with a friend who was trying to convince herself that her date’s belly didn’t bother her. “It’s not that bad,” she said.

But she knew that if her date were to audition for a Father Christmas role in a movie, he would qualify. So why bother with him?

A man would never risk being seen in public with a woman that doesn’t qualify to be on his arm.

None of those guys from the park were worth a second look. If you take away their flashy cars and expensive phones, all that’s left are shabby men who need a good scrub.

Although some men have been able to pull off a clean look, there are still things like their sweaty armpits and bad breath that need to be worked on.

Women are playing their part, it’s time men did the same. Or else I’ll have to hang on to my electric blanket, because right now it’s ­hotter than you!

Mapiloko writes for City Press’s investigative unit

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