Chester Missing: I was gonna bother about Oscar, but then I got high

2014-04-30 10:00

Is the Oscar trial still going on? Can’t we just do what we did with Nkandla and decide he’s guilty already? It’s been kind of weird hearing actual election news instead of how Oscar is so scared of crime he stores his household appliances outside on the balcony.

All I can think is that if the DA had built Oscar’s toilet, this case would be over by now – because we all know how they feel about toilet walls. The most difficult task for us as voters is determining the truth from the lies.

Dr Blade Nzimande, the head of the SA Communist Party, said the Public Protector’s Nkandla report was a bunch of “white man’s lies”. This is really progressive of him. How open-minded must you be to look at Thuli Madonsela and suspect she might be a white man?

Then there was ANC chairperson Baleka Mbete, who told us last week Nkandla was a holy place.

What’s next: The Lord’s Prayer going something like “Our Father, who art in Nkandla, hallowed be thy kraal, thy chicken run and the Gupta’s will be done, on Earth as it is in KZN”? The fact is that all we can work with is what the Public Protector has told us.

To be honest, the people who’ve decided Oscar is innocent and the people who’ve decided Msholozi is innocent should get together and form a party called Based on Denial. Oh wait, we have that already – it’s called Cope.

As much as many would like to talk about the president finally standing trial (he wouldn’t say “milady”, he’d say “miladies”), Nkandla is really not what’s deciding the election.

Yes, even ANC stalwart Ronnie Kasrils is telling people to spoil their votes, which is funny because it’s been 20 years since a white South African last tried to stop black people from voting.

For many, the main question is still around who will give them running water, schools and social grants

Yes, we have the EFF now, but the EFF is just Azapo/PAC with swag. There has even been talk of an EFF-DA coalition in Gauteng. If that happens, Woolworths will be the first to be nationalised.

Voters are struggling to really differentiate. We even saw the EFF suggesting that legalising dagga would not be off the table should it win.

Can you imagine their song? “I was gonna nationalise a mine, but then I got high.”

Now the middle class can’t decide if their biggest problem in life is the EFF or eating carbs. And the working class’ big hope was meant to be Cosatu’s Zwelinzima Vavi, but in truth the ANC has negotiated him into a corner, so now he’s like a two-year-old BlackBerry – he’s on, but he can’t do anything.

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