Chester Missing: MegaWTF Park, banting and Zuma showers

2015-02-16 14:00

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The state of the nation is done and dusted. You always get the vibe that the official opposition has its negative responses ready before Mr Nkandlagupta even starts talking.

I think they recycle them each year with different wording.

Deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa on the other hand spent the entire week avoiding WhatsApp messages from Msholozi saying: “Please go do Sona, baba. They are just mean.”

The build-up was excruciating, with President Zuma saying the Economic Freedom Fighters’ overalls were an insult to workers.

I wonder if he learnt this when he was spending R17?million on landscaping at his house?

Speaker Baleka Mbete swore blind it would all go strictly to protocol, to which the only reply was: “Like when you got your driver’s licence, Madam Speaker?”

If you don’t get it, I suggest Google. Everyone hoped we would get leadership around Eskom.

I walked away thinking we needed to change the load shedding levels to:

»Stage 1: Occasional;

»Stage 2: At least one load shed;

»Stage 3: At least two loads shed;

»Stage 4: It’s all off; and

»Stage 5: Nkandla goes dark.

On the bright side, Eskom is changing the name of its headquarters from Megawatt Park to MegaWTF Park.

In fact, many were hoping the Sona would really get us South Africans moving around. Literally. Because we would have to drive out of our load-shedded area to see it.

Word on the street is the president will also officially change Thuli Madonsela’s title from Public Protector to Public Suggestor, because that’s how Luthuli House treats her.

The red carpet at Sona is always an anxious time. Which first lady will arrive first and will our president handle the red carpet with decorum? I was concerned we’d have a Mugabe moment. It’s undignified – and it wouldn’t be Zuma falls, it would be Zuma showers.

Apparently, at the last minute, the DA pulled out of the official dinner after the president’s speech, citing wasteful expenditure. I suspect the real reason has something to do with Tim Noakes and Premier Zille deciding on last-minute banting for the whole party. My sources tell me they are worried that even sitting next to carbs will make them fat.

Also, there were reports of the DA having a dodgy sewerage tender. For some reason their news headlines always involve poo.

The ANC in the Western Cape was very angry about it – and also pleased. Because after their own votes-for-cash scandal, they really did need a pick-me-up. The only thing worse than being in a votes-for-cash scandal is being in a votes-for-cash scandal and still losing.

@chestermissing is SA’s top puppet political analyst and a regular on LNN on eNCA

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