Chester Missing: RIP Agang 2013-2014

2014-02-03 10:00

Mamphela Ramphele, that tower of integrity, has joined the DA – or, as she tells herself, the DA has joined her, supplanting Lindiwe Mazibuko as white South Africa’s favourite living black person.

The cynical among us reckon she has just become another puppet in Helen Zille’s puppet box. Zille’s ventriloquist skills are reaching Jeff Dunham proportions.

What’s next? Achmed the Dead Service-Delivery Protester? Oh no, wait?...?that’s the ANC.

Of course, the one backlash is that this has fried Mmusi Maimane’s chances of ever being on the DA election poster.

Maybe they can redeploy him to head a national task team teaching DA voter types how to pronounce Mamphela Ramphele and not Mampamielie Ramphalililie.

Prosecutor Glynnis Breytenbach has joined the DA. It makes sense for the DA to have a state prosecutor in its camp because the party’s main strategy seems to be to sue its way to the presidency.

It’s hard to get black South Africa to vote for you when you are as committed to BBBEE as Itumeleng Khune is committed to sticking to the speed limit.

Please take a moment of silence for Agang, RIP 2013-2014 (cause of death: a sudden case of whiteness).

Last year, Ramphele said she wouldn’t join the DA. Now she’s the party’s presidential candidate. Great move, Dr Ramphele. Telling lies to your party is a guaranteed pipeline to the presidency. Just ask the guy who’s currently president.

The DA’s election strategy is “Owning the Future” – because that’s how colonialism works. From 16% in 2009 to 24% in 2011, the DA is growing. And it is unfair to say it is only white. Its leadership looks more racially constructed than a Castle Lager ad. And boring.

It comes across like a stuffy board meeting. If they were any drier, Savanna would sell them as the opposite of Savanna Dark: Savanna Cape Town.

Mazibuko has told us her big focus is the presidency in 2024. She’ll need to build her brand, get decent advisers and learn isiZulu: ninjaaani guys, ngifuna uku-be-the-president. No doubt she has already made her first presidential move: getting business cards that read “Deputy Mamphela”.

The other surprise was the DA having secret candidates – transparency like a Steri Stumpie. Then again, we also have the head of the Cape Town Press Club and a writer for Business Report being on DA lists, so the party’s transformation into ANC White, I mean Lite, is almost complete.

The ANC is also getting pretty desperate. President Jacob Zuma said if you leave the ANC, you will stir up the wrath of the ancestors.

By “ancestors” he means himself, Mac and Gwede. The ANC has even had to start a special integrity commission. They are easy to spot. Just look for the ones in cheap cars.

»?@chestermissing is a puppet political analyst on eNCA’s Late Nite News

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