Chester Missing: SA politics so surreal, we have lawyers named Dali

2013-07-29 10:00

To celebrate nonracialism on the next Mandela Day, I suggest you mix Corn and All Bran flakes in the same bowl.

Apart from a small clump of the Corn Flakes acting like they are entitled to the All Bran’s milk, it tastes great. The Corn Flakes go especially well with coconut.

We need to help everyone have diversity breakfasts.

First, let’s agree that South African society isn’t as crazy as the haters want us to think. In the US, there’s a guy suing Apple for his porn addiction. Next he’ll sue his parents for giving birth to a moron.

And imagine if a black guy killed a white kid armed with sweeties and called it self-defence? Is Florida like Orania with better internet?

Obviously, with 53% youth unemployment, our madness is our poverty. We have so much poverty Julius Malema gets people to forgive corruption charges and tax evasion because he says he’s fighting it.

Of course, it comes off as ridiculous with Kenny Kunene there because now they look like they’re fighting poverty as sugar daddies. Juju says his enemies might take everything, but they can never take his soul. True, they can’t take his soul – he’s already sold it for a tender.

Our politics makes us think we are crazier than we really are. Look at the DA, with their convicted kidnapping, dope-smoking abaThembu king.

He obviously thinks DA stands for “dagga allowed”. Is this why Helen Zille suddenly tells us her party’s going green?

The problem is politicians and the poor live in different worlds. We’re paying for air-conditioning at Nkandla but can’t find cash for the Marikana victims’ lawyers: 67 minutes of hypocrisy for Madiba.

It’s so surreal the lawyer is called Dali. Now I hear President Jacob Zuma has put a cousin in charge of a R900 million NGO, which stands for “Non-Gupta Organisation”.

Another issue is the only people more stupid than politicians are their followers, from all camps. The DA’s Facebook page is like a National Party reunion site. The ANC has supporters who believe they will rule until Jesus returns, which is probably awkward for Muslim comrades. We should ignore these fools.

How can we take you seriously when you support someone who is happily hanging with a king famous for insults and dagga, and then claims the moral high ground? Or how can we take you seriously when your guy fires Tokyo Sexwale, but keeps Angie Motshekga and then tells us he’s committed to service delivery?

But as far as actually achieving nonracialism goes, all of this pales into insignificance next to the fact that 12 million (mainly black) South Africans go to bed hungry every night. The fact is nonracialism goes with inequality like asparagus goes with Smarties.

» @chestermissing is a puppet political analyst on LNN with Loyiso Gola on eNCA

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