Chester Missing: The long walk to Woolworths

2013-05-19 14:00

Top Billing covered the controversial Gupta wedding. Then again, even if Satan and Hendrik Verwoerd got married, Top Billing would cover it ... as long as the devil wears Prada.

If racial classism were a commodity, all South Africans would be millionaires, Sandton would be a mining area and Khanyi Mbau would be our crown jewel.

Ironically so, because if Khanyi were any more of a gold digger herself, the National Union of Mineworkers would try to occupy her.

Julius Malema’s house just got auctioned.

Don’t get me wrong, catching an economic freedom fighter with a R16 million tax bill is like catching a nun with a box of condoms. But his Sandton neighbours’ delight at him not moving in got up my little puppet nose.

You can take Sandton out of apartheid, but you cannot take apartheid out of Sandton.

It’s racial classism. The Sandtonites would be fine with Pabi Moloi, but not Julius, the crazy cabbage grower from Polokwane. We’ve got class alliances here.

Then there’s the DA, which is hellbent on convincing us that Helen Suzman hugged more black men than Kim Kardashian.

They are proving their nonracialism by hugging black people, which is kind of like proving your nonsexism by groping women.

If you ask them about it, they’ll tell you that these pictures were randomly chosen, because having nonracialism and a black fetish is like being a vegetarian who eats chicken.

They even have a campaign film about their contribution to the struggle. What are they going to call it, The Long Walk to Woolworths?

Where were the DA youth in 1976, apart from Knysna?

The DA’s attempts to claim struggle cred remind me of a guy who gets a kiss and then tells his friends he got to third base.

The DA is like Stifler from American Pie. Saying you’ve got struggle cred because cadres hid in your flat is like saying “you’re also a player” because you used to drive Kenny Kunene around.

In the same vein, we had a school in Rivonia saying they can’t accommodate a pupil because they are full.

Then white people phoned in to radio stations to moan that it was turning into a race issue.

Seriously, white folks, talking about equality in our education without referencing race is like talking about Khulubuse ­Zuma’s health without referencing obesity.

I just hope someone warns the DA that their #KnowYourDA campaign sounds more like a programme for sexually transmitted diseases: “Are you DA positive? Protect your family, and know your DA.”

» Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on and eNCA

Join the conversation! encourages commentary submitted via MyNews24. Contributions of 200 words or more will be considered for publication.

We reserve editorial discretion to decide what will be published.
Read our comments policy for guidelines on contributions. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Inside News24

Traffic Alerts
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.