City Press 30: Zuma is on top – deal with it

2012-03-08 14:17

To celebrate thirty years of City Press, we feature gems from our archive.

Chins up Copers ... pardon ... comrades who consider their fight for a Jacob Zuma-free Union Buildings lost.

Fear not, citizens who are at this gut-wrenching moment crying for “the beloved country”. Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma as chief of the republic is actually not the worst thing to happen on Tshwane’s Church Street. That is just appearances being their usual deceptive selves.

So, repeat after me: *“We will survive and thrive under Zuma. Not only that, we will love having him on top!”

Necessity out of the way, I was saying that I think faced with the terrible fact of his presidency we have no choice but to start looking for the good in JZ because if there is one thing to be learnt from the skeletons that could not rattle him away from the top seat, it is that Zuma is not the kind that goes away.

Besides, disgusted and shocked reactions risk breeding even more resentment against the man.

That is not going to benefit the state of your mental health for the next five years. Hence finding the to-die-for in Zuma.

It’s not easy, but it will only take about 15 minutes.

Step one is to get prayer beads and at all times affirm one thing only – I luuurve Zuma. We believe what we hear most often, so say it from the happiest, most honest place in your heart.

Back prayer with meditation. Word from the Mrs (Michelle) Obama and Oprah (Winfrey) camps is that they sealed Barack’s victory by visualising the inauguration day. So did Zuma’s zombies, as you know.

The only thing we can do is foresee a suddenly honourable defender of justice, a corruption-free Zuma rule and the like, and it will come to pass.

My affirmation of the week is: There is hope in Zuma. Anyone who believes showering is a miraculous act is bound to get sanitation for all. So, have faith that he will wish to take after Madiba and not be the skollie with power that many think he will be.

Meantime, while we eagerly await the miracle of the Zuma coming, think about the biggest implication of his presidency – entertainer-turned-president is just what the economic crisis calls for. Hallelujah, there goes astronomical entertainment budgets for state gigs!

We have seen many sing and dance for their supper, but never with the zeal and vigour of Zuma – if this unique cost-cutting skill doesn’t say “man for the job” to you, then hay’ke, there’s no talking to you.

People who prefer to separate the state and entertainment need to understand something about this dynamic presidential combo – the entertainment industry is like a feeding scheme, there is no rising without taking others with you.

Zuma the presitainer (that’s president and entertainer in one, for the slow) has handed our comics punch lines. And being a noted comic himself, Zuma is bound to be an international run-away hit with his punch lines.

I can see the next G20 meeting – Barack and his message of hope, Zuma and his jokes.

Another thing I like about Zuma on top is that his posse of wives and wives-in-waiting mean that there will never be a Monica Lewinsky to taint his presidency.

Never mind the mammoth task that Zuma is going to turn loving him into. Just do it! Yes you can!

*Disclaimer: Under and on top are not in any way used as an invitation or carnal hint – never mind that I am writing this in a kanga which is my way of coping with the Malian heat.

– City Press, April 23 2009

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