Classic Tumi Morake

2012-10-05 09:07

South Africa’s leading woman comedian is packaging a DVD of her greatest gags. Charl Blignaut chose 10 of his favourites from the years of watching her perform live.

» I’m a big girl, ne. But it has its advantages. In winter I’m an energy saver, a living blanket, especially when Eskom is hiking its prices. And I save water. I only need to put a little in the bath and when I get inside the water rises. With a skinny chick you’ve got to fill it all the way up.

» Afrikaners are amazing. They’re the only men in the world who can wear those tiny, tiny shorts and not look gay.

» White beggars. It breaks my heart. I actually give them paper money, shame. Cos I feel like they’re not going to make it. Suffering is a black thing. We survived. What have whites survived? Julius?

» If you are on Twitter, don’t worry if you have only a few followers. Take Jesus. He started off with 12 followers. Look at him now.

» White people adopting black babies, looking all important and selfless like they gave up something. You know what these babies are? They are affirmative handbags.

» I don’t understand these feminists in South Africa. “If the president wants five wives, I can have five husbands.” Are you stupid? How many times can I say in one night, “I have a headache”? I am that wife who will go thank God he’s got five other wives, cos at least I know I’ll get a break.

» Why can’t you even touch a box of tampons, dude? Menstruation is not contagious. And this bullsh*t of him saying, “It must be that time of the month.” I want him to sit down and explain to me what he knows about my time of the month, for him to decide it is the reason for all my emotional responses. When in fact the truth is I’m emotionally difficult all year round!

» And the advertising for tampons! Why are people still trying to psychologically mess with women? Cos you have these pads like New Freedom and Stay Free ... My freedom still rests in the white man’s hands! They play on your confidence. Think of Palesa from Soweto who only got Standard 2 and she’s been told it’s perforated, insulated, interlocked dry weaving and she’s going, “This is a matric with exemption. I can’t use this!”

» Cognac and Louis Vuitton. I can’t pronounce it, but I can afford it. Still, black people, we have arrived. Have you seen our mansions in Sandton with huge swimming pools? It’s a water feature, okay. We’re not jumping in there. It’s just to show the white people we can afford. And we’re not jumping in and it’s not cos we can’t swim. It’s cos if you jump in your hair goes to hell, man.

» We can afford the better hair now, us tenderised blacks. See, when I move it moves. It’s not the helmet. We have good hair now. And don’t tell me it’s not my hair. It is my hair. I paid for it, b*tch. I have the receipt.

» Read our interview with Tumi in City Press on Sunday.

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