Defending Jacob Zuma with skinny bum is gluteus eventualis

2014-09-16 11:53

Tuesday morning. The beginning of the working week for us Tuesday-to-Saturday punters.

I’m meant to be working out what muck to rake for the week. Whose world to invade. Instead, I’m pondering why so many of the white jihadists are gingers. It’s weird. But true. I’m also thinking about how best I can use my ass to defend the Commander in Chief.

Ok, I’m not really thinking about putting my buttocks in the way of harm to protect the Man From Nxamalala. I’m a failed Hundred Percenter and far too old for that. Plus my skinny white sishwapha is way too flat to offer much protection to the under-fire CiC, even with all the weight he’s lost since Thuli’s last visit to his personal Lost City.

I am trying to get my head around the outcry over the call by the republic’s toilet minister and former Gauteng premier, Nomvula Mokonyane, for comrades to use their buttocks to defend the ruling party’s president.

I don’t know what the noise is all about.

It makes absolute sense in a republic where the largest union federation says nothing for a year about the massacre of miners but calls for a boycott when a soapie is under threat, to use your posterior to protect the president.

From where I sit, Mama Action’s call was something of an act of Gluteus Eventualis, to borrow a turn of phrase from South Africa’s ever popular Judge Judy, Thokozile Masipa. It had to happen, but not because of the obvious and rather crude scatological implications of the seat she got from the CiC in his new Cabinet after the Gauteng comrades dumped her rather substantial ass come conference time.

For the record, I dig Mokonyane. She volunteered to be my personal translator earlier this year when the CiC was hustling the voters at Oliver Tambo’s gravesite in Boksburg. She’s also hot, in a mommy kinda way.

Come to think about it, there’s comrades who have, verbally at least, died for the CiC. Others have offered to kill for him, even if they’re running around painting Parliament red these days instead. So why not use one’s buttocks, literally or figuratively, as the ultimate act of comradeship in defence of one’s leader? It’s the right thing to do.

Come to think of it, there are comrades who have been laying their asses on the line for the CiC for years. Ask Bruce. Or Schabir, for that matter, even if he did get a get-out-of-jail-free card. Eventually.

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