Do the nutcases in Parliament have a Plan B?

2014-05-26 10:00

The level of postelection madness is truly off the charts. The politicians, the voters and even Oscar might be mad.

If we are paying for him to be psychologically evaluated, can we also suggest others who need to be checked out while we’re at it? I’m thinking we could start with Steve Hofmeyr and anyone who voted for Kenny Kunene.

Helen Zille is definitely nuts. She started out okay on election day, pointedly not cutting the queue and waiting like everyone else. Pity that sentiment hasn’t applied to white privilege, toilets, etc.

The madness kicked in when Lindiwe Mazibuko told us she’s leaving the DA. Analysts first assumed she was being recalled by Takalane Sesame, but then figured it’s a bit late in the game for her to suddenly realise she’s a puppet.

There was even some speculation she left because the DA had become the official opposition in KwaZulu-Natal and it might have forced her to learn Zulu.

It turns out she speaks Zulu and is going to Harvard. Good luck, comrade, you are now officially what Helen calls an “educational refugee”.

Helen described this as Lindiwe’s “Plan B”. My only question is whether the “B” stands for “black”? On the other hand, Zille has received money from the Guptas, is blaming the media for the Lindiwe chaos, and has admitted to having puppet underlings. She’s gone full Zuma.

We saw the madness since 2009 in the Congress of the People. The party went wrong when it was told to be the opposition, but thought it meant against itself. Mosiuoa Lekota was at the IEC’s results centre eating his own hat, as he promised he would do.

I guess it was convenient that the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) has a huge supply of hats.

The EFF got 6%, which is good, but not enough to expropriate land. They’ll have to settle for time-share. With the ANC on just 54% in Gauteng, there was a brief period where people speculated we would see a DA-EFF alliance: would they take the farm but send a thank you note and a Woolies gift voucher?

In spite of its losses, the ANC did very well. So we can look forward to the pool being upgraded to a fire Jacuzzi. Imagine the possibilities.

In Gauteng, Nomvula Mokonyane found out her party did actually need those “dirty votes”, and now we hear David Makhura will be premier.

We would all like to know just who the hell Makhura is anyway. That there is only one female ANC premier is a reminder that the women’s league’s only real job these days is lurking around the Oscar?trial.

Our next big question is who’ll be in Jacob Zuma’s next Cabinet. Zuma’s next big question is who won’t put him in jail.

@chestermissing is a puppet political analyst on eNCA’s Late Nite News

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