Does my bum look small in this?

2014-04-13 15:00

Carien du Plessis bemoans her (lack of) booty

Lately I’ve been a bit bothered by booty. Yeah, that’s right. The butt. The backside. Die boude. That which is behind us is now front of my mind.

And the blame lies squarely with Boity, or should I say Her Royal Glorious Bootiness, Boitumelo Thulo – actress, model and queen of the superior derriere.

She who looks great naked from the back side.

So effortlessly does she make the magnificence seem, mere mortals might be tempted to compare.

Here’s my advice:

»?Don’t even try.

»?Don’t stand naked with your back towards a full-length mirror to take selfies over your shoulder. There is a 99% chance you’ll be disappointed. In fact, you’ll be left shattered. Even if you try position yourself in the pose she had in the Marie Claire picture that started all the rage, your buttocks will look like two sorry lumps of bread dough sagging downwards, stuck a little too low from where your back ends. Don’t ask me how I know this. Just believe me.

»?Even if some random guy running behind you at an ultramarathon once told you that you have a nice rear, and even if it was three years ago, it’s highly likely he only did so to get into your panties. And even if you had clung to his words while secretly knowing he was as insincere as a politician at election time – let it go. Only Boity’s booty is worthy of true praise.

»?For close to two years, you might have been a regular practitioner of The J-Lo Ass Workout. The gym instructor who drew it up to improve your running dubbed it thus and promised this would be a workout with unintended “surprise benefits”.

Lunges and squats may be as easy to you as eating chocolates by now. But this workout ain’t going to work. It’s difficult to believe this is all Boity says she does to get that bum. The recipe doesn’t seem to apply universally. All posteriors aren’t equal.

Perhaps you should try do what ballerinas do. A colleague of mine heard that they sit down on the studio floor and butt-walk up and down to firm it up. No pain, no gain, they say.

But perhaps it’s all in vain if you don’t have the genes. Some of us just have hips like a boy’s, more so when we run for no good reason. There’s nowhere to stick a goddess ass when you have a frame that doesn’t take kindly to curves.

A decent rump really could have its uses. Waiting for the Gautrain, for instance, on those stupid metal benches stuck on the walls of some stations. It’s hard to imagine what they’re good for, and why they’re at a height that turns your sit into a slide.

The other day I realised they must have been designed by a woman with a decent bum, because I saw one sitting there, her backside hooked right on to the bench.

She looked careless, unperturbed and comfortable. Maybe Boity designed the stupid Gautrain benches.

Having no bum. It really is a bummer.

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