Don’t leave an alcoholic in charge of the bar

2014-03-03 10:00

Last weekend, I had a thousand Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) at the party’s manifesto launch in Tembisa chanting: “Chester! Chester! Chester!” They thought I had a mine hidden in my underpants.

They were loud and red like an All Gold tomato sauce convention – and they were revolutionary. The EFF is the ANC Youth League on steroids.

When we arrived, I suspected this would be a Wonderbra stadium – you know, a stadium that looks more full than it actually is, like Steve Hofmeyr’s brain. But it was full.

It was so full they couldn’t bring everybody. It’s never a good sign when even the stadium where you go to tell your lies about what you will give people is not able to deliver.

That’s like posting someone their ADSL bill. Yes, I am talking to you, Telkom.

The EFF bonanza started with a dinner for R2?000 a seat – unless you sat next to Floyd Shivambu, then they paid you the R2?000.

The party also launched its revolutionary CD. It only has two tracks. The first is titled Sars and has EFF commander in chief Julius Malema singing Shaggy’s It Wasn’t Me.

The second is Abba’s Money, Money, Money, featuring the gardener from Julius’ auctioned house in Sandton.

I suggest they also sell underwear with a picture of Jacob Zuma on it so they can tell each other they have rubbish in their trousers.

The EFF election manifesto is very complex: nationalise, nationalise, fire Pravin Gordhan, nationalise, eat sushi and nationalise. Julius also said we should make our own cars, but didn’t specify what they should be called.

My suggestions are: Tata my Farm and Kia the Boer. He also said we should buy local and then for some reason highlighted Colgate as foreign. I think it’s because it’s white.

The EFF’s campaign slogan is: “Now is the time.” Obviously this is Julius trying to get his Breitling back, but it’s hard not to be impressed by the discipline, passion and dedication of his “fighters”.

Obviously, having tender mogul Julius in charge of nationalising mines is like leaving your alcoholic uncle in charge of the bar at your birthday party (I know what you’re thinking, Blade).

The fact is the ANC and the DA will only be credible when instead of marching at each other, they march against bucket toilets, rape and racism.

The EFF, on the other hand, needs to come up with a better answer for Juju owing the taxman – that his?trust does – because that’s like telling us Oscar didn’t kill Reeva, his gun did.

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