Help us. Help him. Please can Justin Bieber just become a has-been already?

2014-01-26 06:00

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I regarded the seat with suspicion. It was covered in shades of grey and blue, arranged in a trite pattern not entirely unreminiscent of carpeting in Sol Kerzner’s former-homeland hotels.

No. This couldn’t be right, could it? I looked at the stub in my hand again: 4A.

Yup. It was my seat. The window seat adjacent to aisle seat 4C, which was occupied by a very handsome man indeed. Damn. It’s not every day that one gets to sit next to the hot guy on a plane.

It was late Thursday afternoon, time to head home to Cape Town after a long day in Kimberley.

Sucking in my tummy while edging past said attractive inflight neighbour, the gravity of the situation hit home. For, in a manner similar to great power, great opportunity comes with great responsibility. Gosh, I might actually have to engage in conversation here! Urgh. Talking is my least favourite thing to do on planes. For we all know that talking (like sex) is tedious when done with the wrong people.

I buckled up with a casual “click”. The flight attendant told us to sit back, relax and enjoy the journey with her. Take off was smooth; my co-passenger’s opening line less so.

Of all the conceivable topics in the world, Mr So-and-So elected to talk about Justin Bieber. The drag-racing, the egg-pelting, the audacity. The singer’s arrest went down that morning. The kid is a brat, he said. Ja, I said. And so on.

Justin Bieber: Uniting us in cheerful hate since the invention of hip.

When “the weather” gets conversationally overplayed, rest assured that The Bieb will rise to the occasion with something suitably, despicably chinwag-worthy.

The 19-year-old singer hits the headlines with near tidal consistency. Then, with Pavlovian predictability the online troll-fires flare; we all merrily partake in the shallow viral hate hobby, for the momentum is seductive and sweeps us along.

Inside the tiny Airlink jet, I could’ve told my co-passenger how Attie van Wyk of Big Concerts described The Bieb as polite. (And Attie doesn’t mince words). Also how the star insisted on being ferried around South Africa in a Rolls-Royce and a Porsche between concerts in May last year.

But, yawn, I excused myself and moved to an empty row to stare at passing clouds instead. Bieber-fever really is over its sell-by date. Also, the only thing more annoying than a Belieber is a Non-Belieber.

Heavens, the kid was popping anti-depressants by the bucketful, a cry for help if ever.

Help us. Help him. Please can Justin Bieber just become a has-been already?

Now, let’s talk about the weather, shall we?

Hey, how’s Miley Cyrus?

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