Lay your desire bare and pump up intimacy

2010-01-10 13:23

HAS your relationship taken a dive, and things just don’t seem


Your relationship might need help if you’re trying too hard (a

state marked by jealousy, insecurity or manipulation) or are becoming too hard

(marked by numbness, distancing or retreating from love). ­Either way, try these

tips to get things back on track:


clear about what you want and need

Any problem can be solved with creative and willing input, says

­psychotherapist and relationship expert Hanlie Raath. All that you need is

imagination and desire.

Why don’t we share our dreams and needs with our partners? More

often than not, we hold back to try to avoid conflict.

Is he aware of your dream to study again? Do you feel that you are

compromising your dreams by putting his career and your family first?

How do you know that a solution cannot be found if you don’t tell

him about your needs and desires?


honest and open with him/her

It’s possible to tell the truth without blaming or judging each

other. You might not always like what you hear – your partner might have likes

and dislikes that you didn’t even know about. He might tell you that you could

do with a little less weight or you might want him to drink less.

Remember, lies are often used to keep things the same; honesty

without blame or judgment can lead to positive change.

Be true to


In order for a relationship to keep growing, you need to “show up”

fully in the relationship. Be there emotionally, physically and spiritually. If

both of you bring everything to a relationship, you will be able to find

creative solutions to your problems.

For example, he wants to get ­romantic while you want to have tea

and tell him about an amazing book that you have just read. Instead of him

storming off in a rebuked huff, he lies back and listens and, as he responds to

you and hears what you have to say, you have a chance to reconsider his earlier



gears to find right solutions

Conflict can, and should, lead to creative solutions and growth

within a relationship but also requires a willingness to “shift gears” when it

comes to finding an answer. Steer away from a preconceived solution and remain

open, advises Raath.

She quotes the example of a couple who could not find any common

ground because the husband craved adventure while the wife loved her home


Then a friend gave them a ­surprise gift of a parachute jump and

they found that they both loved skydiving. Suddenly they both had an exciting

new interest and hobby.

Open the window, but do

not ju mp

When going through a challenging phase in your relationship, don’t

lose perspective. Look at the situation in the context of the entire

relationship. Remember that intimacy isn’t something that is ready made. The joy

lies in weaving intricate tapestries and extracting gold out of our agonies and


If you’ve been in the ­relationship for a long time, open the

windows to invite in fresh air: embark on new ­adventures together and relish

each other.


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