Movie review – Out to sea without a rudder

2012-05-04 09:58

Film: Battleship (UIP)
Director: Peter Berg
Featuring: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgård, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson, Rihanna
Rating: 5/10

You might learn a couple of things from Battleship – like the difference between a destroyer and a battleship. Though it is likely that if you care about such things, you probably already know.

You’ll also discover that Rihanna doesn’t mind looking rather unattractive. As our own Metro cops discover every day, uniforms are hard to look hot in – unless, of course, you are Tom Cruise in Top Gun or Alexander Skarsgård in Battleship.

Skarsgård, the gorgeous vampire from True Blood, is knocked off too early to help this ship to port – or to provide the required eye candy to make it not matter.

The tragedy is that Rihanna can’t act. If she could, it would at least draw attention away from her awful outfit.

Like so many successful singers before her – Madonna and Beyoncé, for example – she lacks the “it” factor on screen.

Added to this, she is unlucky in that her supporting cast members are equally weak. Taylor Kitsch (who recently made a mess of John Carter) is lame as the bad-boy-makes-good hero who must save the planet. The other woman, Kitsch’s girlfriend, is model-slash-actress Brooklyn Decker, who does her bit to save the world and is as lame as her lover.

Battleship is an alien invasion flick that takes its inspiration from the board game of the same name. That’s the first warning bell. They keep on coming as this naval misadventure gets under way and ends up all at sea.

I found myself rooting for the aliens at one point and if they’d offered me a lift to another galaxy at the halfway mark, I’d have taken it with gratitude.

» Follow me on Twitter @GayleMahala

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