Movie review – The Three Musketeers

2011-10-14 12:06

Babalwa Shota

Film: The Three Musketeers (Nu Metro)
Director: Paul WS Anderson
Featuring: Orlando Bloom, Milla Jovovich, Matthew Macfadyen, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Logan Lerman, Christoph Waltz,
Rating: 5/10

After swallowing the bitter pill that was South Africa’s exit from the Rugby World Cup on Sunday, wallowing in self-pity in a dark room while watching mindless entertainment was just what the doctor ordered.

The glum faces of the green-and-gold clad patrons at Montecasino had me scurrying into the cinema armed with popcorn and coke for the premiere of The Three Musketeers, afilm so obtuse it’s hard to remember what it was all about.

But let me try?.?.?.The Three Musketeers – Athos, Porthos and Aramis – are the swashbuckling dashing heroes of France who take their job as defenders of the king very seriously.

The film opens with the Musketeers on a mission to break into a holy vault to steal the blueprint for a flying ship. With the help of Athos’s lover, the fearless and lovely Milady, everything goes off without a hitch – until they are betrayed while celebrating their success.

Fast-forward a year and the mighty have fallen so far that the Cardinal’s army harasses them as part of their extra-curricular activities. Athos is a drunk, Porthos is a gigolo and Aramis is a galling do-gooder.

Salvation for the three arrives in the form of young hot-headed D’Artagnan, who has travelled all the way from the sticks to France to be the fourth Musketeer.

Soon enough, the four set out to save the king and their reputation by taking on an enemy of the crown. Milla Jovovich’s Resident Evil skills are put to good use here as a kick-ass double agent with killer legs.

She savours being bad girl Milady so much, she often goes overboard in her “acting”; while 19 year-old Logan Lerman’s future is bright now that he has officially joined the young Hollywood set.

The big cheeses of film, Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Buckingham and Christoph Waltz as Cardinal Richelieu, have the mammoth task of carrying this rather dastardly film on their shoulders. And they try valiantly to save it.

Alas, the simplistic script, bad dialogue, amateur-hour acting and not-impressive-enough fighting sequences let them down. There have been umpteen re-makes of the classic novel by Alexandre Dumas, and while not all of them have been good, this takes the dubious honour of being the worst. And it premiered in 3D overseas. Shame.

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