Nkandla report: Who stole what, who owes what and what should be done?

2014-03-17 13:36

Monday morning. I’m in showroom condition. Tip top.

Soberer than most judges. Not that I’ve been a boy scout all weekend. T

ruth is, I had a particularly brutal reunion with the Ghenginator, one of the planet’s most vicious anti-theists.

Fortunately our alcoholic orgy with Mister Maganlal, a trained Indian classical dancer who manages risks during the day, went down Saturday night, hot on the heels of the Buccaneers’ title hopes.

Games in hand, my ass. It was hard livings, no-holds-barred stuff.

Lots of lost time was made up for. Greedy, self-destructive drinking with no distractions like driving or polite conversation.

Somewhere in our unashamed celebration of humankind’s desire to get off its face, we also held a short memorial for our man Manoj Patel, a great cricketer, drinker, friend and speech artist.

Sunday was a recovery day, thanks to Tomas Rosicky’s half-volley against Manoj’s team, Tottenham, and another hammering for the Red Scum, even if it was at the hands of Liverpool, who are the new United, according to Ghengiz. Either way, the Gooners are still in it.

Truth is, I need my wits about me. It’s a big week. The big week, actually.

Unless some aggrieved Cabinet member gets an interdict against Thuli Madonsela between now and Wednesday, it’s the week when we finally hear who stole what, who owes what and what should be done to whom after somebody sneaked into the Commander in Chief’s house and built a football pitch and a fire pool while he wasn’t looking.

It’s a hard one to call.

I’m not sure if the report will come out. Madonsela has been hatcheted properly by the CiC’s heavy mob this past week or so.

Even the Cat in the Hat got stuck in over the weekend.

Tina Joemat-What What and Lindiwe Sisulu have also ratpacked her.

She’s even been declared satanic by some ruling party padre types.

I won’t be totally surprised if more dissatisfied customers put the boot in.

Join the queue outside the registrar’s office.

Even Red Shoes Pule may add a stiletto, now that she knows she’s back on the list.

Create enough questions about the Protector’s methodology to justify holding back the Nkandla report till all the court actions are over.

I wonder what odds the bookies are giving on the report finally seeing the light of day on Wednesday morning?

Or does the National Key Points Act have a clause banning taking bets involving the CiC’s hacienda?

Me, I think something nasty is brewing.

I could just be paranoid after too many Ambrosinis on Saturday night, or the hidden hand of Mac Mirage could be at work in the background. Again.

Either way, it’s gonna be two very difficult sleeps for Thuli and the CiC.

Kinda like kiddies two days before Christmas. But different.

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