Of pots and spoons: does size matter?

2012-09-29 15:51

It’s only those with size problems who will bother grappling with questions of whether size matters, you know? Like tigers don’t go around explaining their tiger-ness.

They are happy to just wear their stripes.

A friend offered this dismissive line with a touch of shyness at the weekend. It was coloured with discomfiture and a bit of boyish bragging.

I was inviting him to a boys’ talk shop ahead of this year’s Joburg Sexpo, which ends today.

It was telling that my friend meant to claim he was the tiger in his analogy.

You see, when it comes to sex, everyone wants the world to believe they are also similar to “the thriller in Manila”, to quote the Notorious B.I.G.

On this question of big and small things, it’s important to illustrate that the question is not as flippant as it may sound.

Male endowment actually has a serious hold on our collective imagination.

These days, you can’t stop at an intersection without some guy handing you a pamphlet inviting you to a date at the parlour with some newly arrived – or just rebranded – exotic doctor with a promise to enlarge your penis.

These pamphlets are pasted on electric power boxes across our urban world and they proliferate because business must be good.

Colloquialisms pepper our everyday speech: “Hung like a horse”; “It’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean”; “dick”, “cock”, “unit”, “pecker” or even the proverbial “Mandingo man”.

So, when we finally congregated over sherry, wine and other treats, the boys seemed happy to trumpet the gift of horns.

This despite the unexpected presence of a female.

She had an s-curl and wore purple denims, and couldn’t be kept off the soapbox.

With a glass of dry red in her hand, she shot off: “If a guy is too large, he’s likely to cause me some pain during the second go.”

She argued there’s a postorgasmic contraction the vulva goes though, hence making her pleasure more easily attainable, so to speak.

This is regardless of any lucky Mandingo’s gifts.

The boys weren’t to be shut up, though.

One postdoctoral fundi friend with a taste for complex ideas interjected: “Size matters as a social construct and as a biological presence.”

This means because we are so hung up on the questions, excuse the pun, it’s socially a real-enough issue.

Speaking with that matter-of-fact tone in her voice, the girl in purple insisted an average woman’s vaginal depth is about 18cm.

She got this from her gynaecologist. Needless to say, the egotistical cynics insisted on a Google search for confirmation.

The search yielded interesting numbers (from 10cm to 18cm). The average man’s erection is about 17cm.

One of the boys reminded us that averages are exactly that.

We were then called on to consider myths about Shangaan boys whose parents still plant trees that mirror the growth of their son’s penises.

They can then cut down the tree when they feel a penis is long enough.

As the wine kicked in, a more combative chap with a baseball cap spoke: “In war, it’s not the size of the gun that wins, but the skill of the soldier.”

And the fundi concluded: “Larger-bodied women obviously need more able men.

You can’t cook a three-foot pot with a teaspoon.” We crackled with laughter.

It was clear not all mechanics are proud of their tools.

So if you can’t win with size, you had better learn to improvise. It’s not about the thing, but how well it’s used that really counts.

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