Oscar didn’t get a sentence; he got a phrase

2014-10-27 13:45

There you have it. Oscar will probably be out of jail before his next cellphone upgrade. In fact, he might already be out.

More exciting than the spy tapes, the Nkandla report and the rumoured next Harry Potter book combined, Judge Thokozile Masipa handed down her sentence and the sentence was: “Naughty boy, don’t do it again.” Apparently Oscar could be out in 10 months – which is so short it looks less like a sentence and more like a phrase.

In contrast one of the guys jailed for killing Anni Dewani, Xolile Mngeni, recently died in prison. We hardly noticed. I guess if we want equal justice in this country, we need to ask Oscar’s Uncle Arnold to do press briefings for other criminals, too.

Because Oscar had the very best. He even had an old Afrikaans guy, Barry Roux, saying the rich white guy mustn’t go to jail because of ubuntu. I’m not sure how ubuntu would include shooting four shots through a toilet door, but I am just a puppet, so really, what do I know?

I am pretty certain that someone needs to tell Comrade Barry that “prison sucks” is not really a valid reason not to go to jail. But don’t worry Barry,

I am sure after this performance you will be getting a call from some people representing an elderly Zulu gentleman by the name of Jacob.

The world is becoming more and more contradictory. Oscar is lucky he only killed a woman. If he had forgotten to pay his TV licence, he’d be doing serious time.

It’s like the way the FW de Klerk Foundation has offered us its scintillating thoughts on Nkandla. Who are these people? They should rather focus on commenting on why their patron won’t admit apartheid was evil. In fact, if they are reading this I’d like to say, dear De Klerk Foundation, if you insist on representing apartheid’s last prime minister, best you spend your time looking socially awkward and building schools.

Even the way Sadtu apparently aim to be “revolutionary professionals” is contradictory. What the hell is a “revolutionary professional”? Does your beret come with wifi and a business card holder? Can you write off toyi-toyi lessons as a tax deductable?

Tripartite alliance politics has got so convoluted I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out Uncle Gwede (Mantashe, secretary general of the ANC) has joined a faction against himself.

The ANC is for and against e-tolls. My guess is that if you drive through an e-toll gantry backwards the Guptas have to send you money. The ANC, of course, is not concerned. They are so confident they want to cancel e-tolls and Generations in the same year.

@chestermissing is SA’s top puppet political analyst and a regular on twice Emmy-nominated Late Nite News on eNCA

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