Our slow Giggler in Chief has all the best jokes

2014-06-23 10:00

Yes, the man with the fire pool is back, and Cape Town was on lockdown for his address.

All that security, but the people who actually wanted to stab the president in the back were already sitting inside.

Of course Jacob Zuma was tired, mainly because Father’s Day was only two days earlier, the one day the president really stresses. Either that or he was worn out after actually reading the Nkandla report – or being a 72-year-old man with four wives has finally caught up with him.

Of course everyone was stressing because all those black people in one place in Cape Town meant it was likely that Sanral or the DA would forcibly remove everyone at any moment.

You have to be extremely cautious, because at Parliament the food from the buffet forces itself on you and makes you fat against your will. At this state of the nation address, I was risking getting diabetes by the end of the speech.

The president walked up the red carpet at the same speed he talks: one?...?slow?...?step?...?at?...?a?...?time.

On the bright side, once the president started talking, you could catch up on World Cup highlights between words. The only real hazard was his extreme level of shininess, as if his head was trying to combat load shedding. The theme for government this year was “cleaning up”, which explains his head (shower!).

You got the sense that the audience was also worn out, as if they were anxiously waiting to get to the Adult World outside Parliament before they shut it down.

Bheki Cele looked like he was dreaming of shooting to kill. That was until Comrade Nkandla started to talk about corruption. Then everyone shuffled around like a collective #ThatAwkwardMoment.

The actual address seemed to be a revisit of the last one. He said they would eradicate the bucket system around the country, which is not going to go down well in Cape Town.

He also told us that agriculture would be a key job driver, because with Minister of Agriculture Senzeni Zokwana paying just R26 a day to his workers, the possibilities are limitless.

The president had us going with his awesome sense of humour, saying that the City of Johannesburg would fix its billing system, before he started giggling away – “hehehehe” – as if he was thinking: just kidding.

His funniest gag was telling us, after the longest, biggest strike in our history: “We are a nation at work.” Hilarious.

Of course, it was also awesome to see the newcomers in Parliament, like Mmusi Maimane, the DA’s head refugee, and the Economic Freedom Fighters commissars in the most capitalist overalls you have ever seen.

Missing is South Africa’s top puppet political analyst.

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