Paddy Harper considers celibacy

2013-11-05 12:46

For the first time in my life I’m considering celibacy. Giving up sex. Hanging up my boots.

It’s a tough decision. Not one to be taken lightly. It’s not because I don’t like sex. I do. As much of it as I can get, that is. Sex is pretty much essential, like breathing, eating and football.

The problem is the relationship stuff. I’m shit at it. I always have been, and probably always will be.

I guess I’m the problem.

Women my age don’t seem to dig me very much. They look at me like I fell from a tree. I don’t blame them.

Being a junkie made me grow up late. Very late. The result is a bit of a man-child with some weird ideas. I’m also not very conventional, or big on stuff that people my age generally care about. No house. No suit. No nine-to-five. No desk gig. No retirement plan. No stability. Too much hard living. Too much football. Too many all-nighters with the Ghenginator. An inability to rein in my wandering tendencies.

Add in Big James and Small James, my live-in adult offspring, lurking on the couch, and I’m not much of a catch.

My track record with younger women isn’t much better. They tend to buy my bullshit. Dig the contradictions. Enjoy the madness. Rock the mayhem and disorder. Then drop the hammer.

At my age, older women aren’t really an option. The concept of being some Octogenarian’s Ben48 sends chills up – and down – my spine.

Maybe I should cross the floor rather than end it all.

I’ve never really considered sex with men, except for Prince, and that was only in a drunken discussion with the Ghenginator and the lovely Miss Eva Jackson.

There was that night at the men-only bar at the Lounge, but by the time Ghengis and I were drunk enough to take Bevan up on his offer, he’d left the building. And that Tuesday two seasons back when I was roofied by the tranny with the Maltese poodle at the Elephant after an Arsenal Champion’s League fixture.

There may be hope for Harper yet.

Join the conversation! encourages commentary submitted via MyNews24. Contributions of 200 words or more will be considered for publication.

We reserve editorial discretion to decide what will be published.
Read our comments policy for guidelines on contributions. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Inside News24

Traffic Alerts
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.