Please call me when the revolution is ready

2014-04-14 10:00

The DA sent an SMS saying that Msholozi stole the Nkandla moola and you must vote DA to get it back.

The ANC should just tell them he colonised the money, because if you use the word ‘colonised’, the DA will pretend it never happened.

I am waiting for an SMS from the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) telling me: “DA voters stole your land, vote EFF to get it back.”

But that’s just misleading because the EFF doesn’t send SMSes. It sends Please Call Mes.

It’s hard not to become disillusioned. Our president’s argument is that if you steal by mistake, it’s not stealing. He’s like the Oscar Pistorius of corruption.

Sure, uncle, you didn’t ask for the fire pool, so why should you pay for it? Does this mean you are now against e-tolls?

In fact, I am writing to the TV licence people telling them I didn’t ask for the SABC TV channels so I want my money back. You know your president is a player when his spokesperson’s name is Mac.

But it’s not like the other options are any better. Juju threatened to kill to keep his allegedly corrupt former buddy in power, now he’s threatening civil war to get an allegedly corrupt auntie out, ahem, Pansy Tlakula.

And to top it all off, even commissioners from the Electoral Commission are going on strike. How do you go on strike when you only work for one day every five years? Even Amcu thinks you have it easy.

To top even that, our MPs want free air tickets when they retire because they believe they do important work. No, teachers and nurses do important work, you MPs do brunch and buffet lunches.

In Western Cape, there’s a white farmer who burnt the hands of a kid and water-tortured his dad, but somehow many white people still act like it’s the EFF that’s full of racist nut jobs. It’s like white people didn’t benefit from apartheid and Zuma didn’t benefit from Nkandla.

It’s tough out there, comrades.

And the DA? I guess we have to agree the party does have some black members – Mmusi Maimane. Helen Zille’s Chester Missing has made sure of that.

On the other hand, how do you make white DA voters really turn blue? Simply ask them if they benefited from apartheid.

It’s hard to look at the DA and not suspect that the reason the DA won’t give you toilet walls is because they rather spend the money on SMS bundles.

My suggestion, friends, is to make the most of it. Politicians are so desperate now. If you play your cards right, you should be able to get the ANC dude to cook your food and the DA one to do the dishes.

@chestermissing is the puppet author of Chester Missing’s Guide to the Elections ’14

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