Ready to be wife number two

2011-04-02 10:24

Monogamy is a beautiful ideal – and extremely overrated. I was 15 when I decided I wanted to get married at least three times in my lifetime – first for passion, then money and, finally, companionship.

I had it all planned out. I’d fall head over heels in love with some dangerous punk who would take me for the ride of my life.

The sex would be passionate, all-consuming acts of erotica, the fights just as fierce and dramatic and the end worthy of a Shakespearean production.

After a suitable period of introspection and growth the impulsive, youthful, me would make way for a more mature woman with a taste for the finer things in life.

Enter husband number two; a man of more means than heart. I’d trade real love for real diamonds and allow myself to be dominated just that little bit as a trade-off.

Endless shopping sprees, international holidays, a big beautiful house and a hot-rod bodyguard I’d get to shag in my equally big beautiful bed because my husband was “working late” yet again. All this would end with the inevitable divorce after both our interests had been served.

My last husband would be the one who would hold me in his arms on my deathbed at age 89.

He’d be my best friend, a good father, someone who has always adored me and waited in the wings while I got a lot of bad-girl living over and done with.

Blame my active imagination on the steady diet of adventurous Sidney Sheldon, romantic Danielle Steele and torrid Jackie Collins that I lived on, but none of this seemed impossible in my teenage mind.

After all, it’s said you make your own luck in life, right?

My friends and I are now ticking the 30+ box whenever we fill out a form and as such we have discussed the state of our singlehood and the kind of prospects we have of marriage.

Some of the things that have come to the fore include:

» Our trophy wife sell-by date is approaching at the speed of a runaway train;

» We are too mature for men under 40, who prefer giggly 20-somethings anyway;

» Becoming a mistress now means being doomed to being a mistress forever;

» Boys in their 20s want to screw us, not marry us; and

» Only petrol attendants and pot-bellied uncles with halitosis think they stand a chance with us.

Hence I now find myself having to evaluate my love life on an entirely different platform to the one I was on last year, when I proclaimed I’d rather be alone than settle.

And the picture I see is no longer black and white but a rather gloomy grey.

Let me be quick to point out that I have a lot of good things going for me – personally and professionally – which I don’t for a second take for granted, and I don’t NEED a man to feel complete.

I just want one ... or two ...

Since polygamy is the latest fad – and is showing no signs of going away – I’ve been pondering the idea of becoming a second wife.

How difficult can it really be? asks the daredevil in me.

I’ve lived the first part of my fantasy life; maybe number two should be in a multi-partner, open relationship!
I admire a dignified, matronly figure like MaKhumalo.

As a first wife she has demonstrated remarkable decorum when it comes to her husband’s steadily growing Zuma nation.

It can’t be easy for her to bear witness to her husband collecting wives as if they were D&G bags marked down by 70% at the International Fashion Sale.

And yet she has stood stoically next to him and even attended the annual weddings with her face showing just the right kind of emotion expected of her.

But not all women in polygamous relationships can pull off that impassive, long-suffering bearing with the same kind of aplomb as MaKhumalo’s generation.

Just take a look at a picture of the three youngest Mrs Zumas and you’ll see what I mean from their body language.

This is why I would need intensive acting classes to pull off a “happy family” snapshot were I to be a senior wife.
The way I see it, polygamy is no longer about men.

It’s about women relations. Growing up, I witnessed too many women clobbering each other over men until it became the “done thing”.

Yet I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen men slugging each other over a woman.

So why can’t we, as women, engage in meaningful and constructive dialogue about the dilemmas we face in our relationships?

I know it’s difficult to think with your head when it comes to matters of the heart, but the fact is that many women find themselves in situations where they have to decide whether to turn a blind eye to a cheating man or come to some kind of amicable solution with “the other” that will benefit all.

Unfortunately, polygamy has been reduced to this kind of bargaining chip.
So forget about the romance vs religion vs culture debate when it comes to polygamy.

In the naughtiest it all boils down to a legal harem vs makhwaphenis.

Would you rather know who your partner is sleeping with when they are not with you, or would ignorance be bliss?

Personally, I don’t believe having two wives guarantees that a man will never cheat because, for some reason, once there is Number Two, Number Three never seems too far behind.

But I do believe if he truly is in love with two women, treats them with respect and knows that he would lose everything if he ever cheated on them, then they stand a fighting chance.

Think me silly and frivolous, but I believe that women are the ones who give men the power to hurt them by playing the game all wrong.

The rules of engagement changed a long time ago; maybe it’s time for the sistas to go back to the drawing board to re-strategise.

It ain’t the ’60s any more, honey!

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