The Zeelah, Babylon show at Nkandla is my fault

2012-11-05 12:56

It’s almost lunchtime on Sunday. I’m standing in the middle of the road leading to the Commander in Chief’s Nxamalala crib.

It’s boiling hot. There’s no shade. The road’s new. Lotsa things are at Nxamalala. That’s what happens when the CiC lives in the hood.

There’s no trees yet. I don’t do underwear. There’s a torrent of sweat between my butt cheeks. Uncool.

Things get worse. Helen Zeelah – her Nxamalala name – is ranting at the Babylon. Zeelah wants to exercise oversight.

She’s keen for a close look at the CiC’s love nest. The cops are in the way. They’ve blocked the road with armoured vehicles.

I’m not a fan of the Forces of Evil and Reaction but for once they’ve done the sensible thing.

Behind the Babylon is a mob of the CiC’s groupies. They’re all black, green and yellow.

The CiC’s grinning face is on pretty much everything. They’re toyi-toying; they’re cursing. They’re waving traditional weapons; they’re accusing Zeelah of wanting to shag the CiC.

There’s a nutter with a hunting rifle. Lovely.

I’m grateful there’s a blue wall between the home team and the visitors. If it goes off, the Nxamalala Mad Eleven is taking all three points from the fixture.

Zeelah whips out her Blackberry. The shooters are shooting her shooting the cops.

I taste Saturday night’s Guinness. My guts heave. They’re empty. I can’t puke; I dry retch. Great.

She wants the crowd cleared. The cops refuse to shoot, beat or gas anybody. Not here, not today. Sorry lahnee. For the first time in my life I wanna hug a cop.

This is all my fault. Not the babalas. The circus in the middle of the road.

A couple of weeks ago my man AB and I write this story about the CiC’s pad costing R248 million. Fair enough. That’s what we get paid to do.

Zeelah’s chilling in Cape Town. She buys the City Press. Shock. Horror. How could the CiC do such a thing?

Zeelah does what politicians do. She goes for the easy headlines. One thing leads to another.

The stupidity gains momentum. The rent-a-crowd gets called in. A perfectly beautiful Sunday takes one in the head and two in the chest. I shoulda shredded that shit.

I start getting paranoid. What if the Babylon put two and two together? If they realise I’m the one who screwed up their Sunday they’ll whack me.

Zeelah keeps shooting. She briefs the scribblers. There’s a hedgehog of cameras and microphones.

A muppet whips out before and after pictures of Casa Msholozi. They’re lovely and big. I start to ask why drag us here if you already have such nice pictures. I bite my tongue. Zeelah will kick my ass.

I stumble off to file. My laptop’s miles up the road.

The Croc’s got the car keys. He’s off playing with the crazies. I call in a dictate.

I want fiery chicken tikka, ice cold beer, sweaty sex, weapons grade medicinal marijuana and top flight live football.

With my luck, I’ll get a tepid Coke.

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