The most brutal jokes from Justin Bieber’s Roast

2015-04-01 11:27

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The press packed out the Hyde Park Nu Metro cinema last night for a preview of Comedy Central’s Roast of Justin Bieber.

The roasters this year were Kevin Hart, rapper Snoop Dogg, rapper Ludacris, basketball star Shaquille O’Neal, Saturday Night Live’s Pete Davidson, actress Natasha Leggero, comic Chris D’Elia (apparently Bieber’s favourite comic), veteran roaster Jeff Ross, comic Hannibal Buress, television business tycoon Martha Stewart, and in a surprise twist none other than anchorman Ron Burgundy (played by Will Ferrell).

While Kevin Hart was an explosive and hilarious host, it was the women who owned the worst zingers of the night. I was disappointed that the brutal Amy Schumer wasn’t on the dais this year, but her replacements more than filled her shoes. Leggero got in some jabs that will probably haunt Biebs long after the cameras stopped filming. In this clip, she takes down three roasters in one fell swoop:

But her most below-the-belt joke of the night went something like this:

“Justin Bieber has a single mom. No wonder he’s got moves, he was in the womb trying to dodge a coat hanger.” Wow.

But it was none other than 73-year-old Stewart who stole the show with some of the raunchiest jokes of the evening. Dressed in a grandma-esque floral sweater, she spoke wryly about shanking people in prison and getting down and dirty in the sheets.

“You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live, and twice as long as most of his friends,” she said to the rapper.

She ended her set with some dating advice for the Biebs:

“Justin, before I go, here’s my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life. Find yourself the right gal, but she’ll have to be someone on your level. Someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with, or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So, Justin, my final piece of advice is: Call me.” No wonder this viewer tweeted:

Other insane jokes of the night were:

SNL newbie Pete Davidson, whose firefighter father died on 9/11: “Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane.” He directed this at Kevin Hart and Snoop Dogg, who both starred in Soul Plane.

Shaquille O’Neal: “Last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn’t even score that low, and he uses your music to f***in’ torture people.”

Jeff Ross: “If Anne Frank heard your music, she would’ve Ubered to Auschwitz.”

And while Bieber looked a bit like a scared baby deer through most of the show, he delivered a zinger during his set that will go down in history:

“What do you get when you give a teenager two hundred million dollars? A bunch of hasbeens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”

But undoubtedly #Trending’s favourite part of the show was probably one many people missed. As the camera panned over the audience we saw a glimpse of none other than local It boy Trevor Noah in the crowd. The whole Nu Metro theatre burst out in applause, because really, the Americans can tell jokes as much as they want, but Trevor will always be our favourite.

* Remember to watch the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber tonight (Wednesday, April 1) on Comedy Central (DStv channel 122) at 9.10pm

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