The sobering reality of burglary

2014-06-02 15:19

It’s Sunday morning. About 5am. Saturday night’s shindig with my transgender mate Mandy had been bangin. Mandy’s cool.

A top notch punter with serious chaos tendencies. I have a reputation for turning it on, but Mandy’s the real deal. The party’s been nearly as out of hand as she is – genuine run at the wall stuff, with all the necessary food groups represented. So by the time I finally manage to get my front door open I’m well and ready for my bed.

I get inside and I feel something’s wrong. It’s not that my younger offspring, Small James, is lying passed out in bed with the lights on. He still does that every day. I turn his light off and head down the passage to the living room. My laptop’s not where I left it, but given my state and my general lack of a short term memory I’m not that fazed.

I stumble into my bedroom. Two of the windows are wide open, off the latch. It’s weird, but my brain’s not up to thinking it through. I fall onto my bed and the main switch goes off.

After what seems like a second, Small James is shaking me awake. Small James is mumbling something about laptops and cameras. I resist the urge to kick him to death. Mainly because I’m too broken to get out of bed. I roll over and try to ignore him. The little bastard won’t stop. I claw my way into consciousness and the penny drops. We’ve been burgled. Hit down. Robbed. Kekered. Pink Panthered. Call it what the hell you want but my laptop’s gone, along with Small James’ brand new Nikes, his camera, his laptop and his iPod. They also clouted junior’s wallet, which they swiped next to the laptop, which he had passed out watching.

I’m not sure what to think. I’ve been burgled twice before, both times in a house I shared with mates after I got divorced. Both times the house was hit without anybody getting hurt – apart from the ganja plants the cops made me pull out when they came to investigate the break-in.

I finally get out of bed. The burglar’s came through the electric fence, into the parking lot and up the drainpipe and in my first floor bedroom window. There’s hand and footprints all over the window sill and drainpipe. He’s used James’ backpack to carry off his loot and gone back down the drainpipe, like a thief in the night and all that.

I’m numb. Part of it is the residue of last night. Part is a sense of relief that Small James didn’t get hurt. Part of it the sense of awe at the quality of his or her burglary skills. It’s as if we’ve been jacked by a Ninja.

Join the conversation! encourages commentary submitted via MyNews24. Contributions of 200 words or more will be considered for publication.

We reserve editorial discretion to decide what will be published.
Read our comments policy for guidelines on contributions. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Inside News24


WATCH: Man films himself going down water slide upside down as things go very wrong…

What is at first an exciting tummy-turning adventure stunt, quickly turns into a scarily bad idea caught on camera. Take a look:


You won't want to miss...

WATCH: Conor McGregor: Notorious the trailer
Best date night restaurants in South Africa
WATCH: Ryan Reynolds offers fans a free tattoo in new Deadpool 2 teaser
Should you date your co-worker?
Traffic Alerts
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.