Uptown Girl: Is that all you’ve got, Vivica?

2011-08-20 07:07

Vivica Fox showed South Africa flames. And before you start thinking I’m condoning what she did, let me just give you a little four-one-one about what went down.

On Thursday night, while attending the Sports Awards dinner at that cute party venue in Braamfontein, Jo’burg, called Randlords, America actress Vivica A Fox pulled a douchebag stunt.

When asked to pose for a group photo alongside her fellow guests – including Brandy Norwood, Regina King and many local celebs – madam asked everyone to “please get off the stage” to make way for her.

Now, I don’t see why Vivica A (for Asinine?) Fox stopped at just that. After all, if she’s going to have the whole country hating her guts to the point of hashtagging her on Twitter as #sendvivicahome, she might as well have made it worth everyone’s while.

See, unlike her, my fictional celebrity, we’ll call her Vivian B (for B-grade, of course) Wolf would have asked for a separate breathing space.

Ms Wolf doesn’t like it when plebs without even $2 million to rub together breathe in her space.

Damn thieves!

In fact, she’d go so far as to open a case against the world for invasion of her personal space and slap each and every single person – and their babies – with a restraining order.

Don’t even try to explain to her about babies being innocent and all that rot, because, really, she was once in a movie that featured babies as intelligent beings who knew all the secrets to life.

So, for all she knows, the little critters might try to brainwash her into believing they’re blameless.

In fact, unlike Ms Fox, Ms Wolf wouldn’t even bother with the “I’m sorry for being rude” line she pulled before asking them to vamoose.

How about you just tell them “Move!” with a straight face. It’s surprising that she even wore such a simple outfit.

That move called for an all-black, dramatic, floor-length, figure-hugging evening gown – who cares that the dress code is smart casual?

In fact, complete that outfit with a long red cape with a starched collar, a severe bun for your hairdo and blood-red lips that make you look like you’d just fed on a live chicken.

For effect, ask the DJ to play some ominous Jaws-type soundtrack when you enter the room.

A spotlight is always a good way to emphasise the attention that’s already on you.

Minister, what minister? Ms Wolf is in the house. Boom!

And really, clearly her stupid conscience got in Ms Fox’s way because it would’ve been a nice touch to just move the Sports Awards banner and put it between her and whoever was planning to pose with her. It’ll be like they were never even there!

Lastly, Ms Wolf would need several bodyguards because her ass would be mince by the time the locals are done with her.

I hope Vivica Abnormal-looking Fox has a thick skin. She’ll need it while she’s here. Good luck to her.

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