Uptown Girl: Let’s talk about S&M

2010-10-02 13:54

Yesterday, I went to the Sexpo at Gallagher Convention Centre in Midrand, north of Johannesburg, with a couple of my colleagues to gather info for a story.

Now, you all know how exciting it is to be at the expo (especially since you’re met by a huge golden dildo at the entrance).

I must admit, I truly love being at the Sexpo.

So many things to see and as much as I often would like to believe I’d seen it all, there’s always something new to learn.

I must also admit that out of everything, there was one demonstration that glued me to the floor.

It was not watching some respectable women trying to make fools of themselves by boosting each other onto the golden dildo masterpiece for a picture.

It was also not the sight that Pricasso guy painting with his penis or women pushing their partners (who were doing their Oscar-best to look reluctant) to take a picture fondling Miss Nude SA.

As amusing and entertaining as those were, they never came close to the sight of the girl strapped onto some device – spread-eagled – and getting whipped by some old man.

Now, I have friends who are into kinky things like S&M (sadism & masochism) but I don’t remember one investing in a gadget that you can’t even hide in your own house without neighbours suspecting you of committing nefarious deeds.

First off, the machine – because that’s what it is – was operated by a demurely-dressed transvestite who actually looked like one of my primary school teachers (I hope it’s not her).

So, after strapping on this girl, the old man took up two frayed whips, which he kept brandishing like a bullfighter with a cape.

Then the first whip went – which was more like a brush really, but since I wasn’t on the receiving end, I can only imagine it felt like that.

Gradually, the whips got stronger, and every few intervals, the machine would spin the girl, sideways (whip), upside-down (whip, whip).

And during all of that, the man would lovingly ask the woman if she’s still okay and give her a tender kiss.

Now, I don’t mind a few spanks in the heat of the moment, but things just get too much once whips and a chain are involved.

For one, they tend to remind me of “corporal punishment” which is a mood killer and is so not sexy at all.

I doubt any guy would like me to imagine them as my old principal. (That dude was mean and wore khakhi socks with brown Hush Puppies – I don’t condone fashion crimes).

So, I discovered that as liberal and open-minded I’d like to believe I am about all things sex, I really wouldn’t go for a huge contraption like that.

What do I tell my mother, grandmother and aunts when they come to visit?

Better yet, how do I explain it to my nieces and nephews: “That’s auntie’s special swing”?

Besides, that would just bring to mind another sexual encounter I’m not comfortable with – swinging.

I’ll stop while I’m ahead because talking sex is as enjoyable as drinking cosmos prepared by that hot guy Thapelo Mokoena himself – you just want to keep it coming (pun intended).

What do you think about S&M?

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