We’ll find Madiba within us if you find Madonsela within you

2015-03-01 17:00

In case you’re wondering, Mr Nkandlagupta never paid back the money.

If you hear “Pay back the money” being shouted in Parliament, you can never be certain if it’s the SA Revenue Service shouting at Julius Malema, the Economic Freedom Fighters shouting at the president or politicians shouting at fashion designers who convinced them to wear energy-saving devices as state of the nation address red carpet outfits. Shiny is the new black.

Our president’s reply was full of his usual charm and schmooze; in fact, if his charm and schmooze could make electricity, we could cancel the Russian nuclear deal.

A lot of what he said was subliminal. He really emphasised he was not a dog. In fact, he repeated it a few times. This is the same guy who said dogs were unAfrican and we mustn’t think like Africans in Africa. I think he is surreptitiously trying to tell us he is African after all. Nobody really knows.

The other subliminal message was when he said “play the ball, not the man”. I take this as subliminal support of National Assembly Speaker Baleka Mbete’s riot waiters for allegedly playing Malema’s balls.

Prince Mangosuthu Buthelezi got a marketing angle in by saying he’s been “speaking truth to power” for 40 years. When he says “40 years” he means just the one speech.

DA parliamentary leader Mmusi Maimane was also praised for taking a firmer angle, telling President Jacob Zuma he is a “broken man”.

I am not sure what a broken man is. It sounds like a Birdman sequel. “Brokenman, giving the DA something to complain about for 21 years.”

Maimane’s problem is that next to the EFF and the ANC, the DA often looks like the Kardashians, but with fewer black people.

DA spokesperson Phumzile van Damme was mistaken for a Swazi martial arts film star and got reprimanded for replying with the word ‘sies’.

Because in our democracy, you can beat someone up in the National Assembly, as long as you don’t say “sies” while you are doing it.

With Mbete bunking the debate, the sessions were chaired by the head of the national council of provinces, Thandi Modise. The honourable Modise’s problem is that no matter what she says the answer is always: “Ja, but can you feed a pig?”

One highlight was Minister Nathi Mthethwa asking us all to find the Mandela within. What a great sentiment. I think the ANC national executive committee could reciprocate by finding the Thuli Madonsela within.

The president also scored points by giving that Freedom Front Plus character, Pieter Mulder, a history lesson. I am not sure how the honourable Mulder can claim the land wasn’t stolen while also celebrating Boer victories over the people who were living on it. Logic, Comrade Settler, logic.

@chestermissing is SA’s top political analyst puppet and a regular on eNCA’s LNN with Loyiso Gola

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