Who wants Paddy Harper’s vote?

2014-04-28 12:12

Thursday. It’s a dead dog day. The Commander-in-Chief’s hundreds of kilometres away in Kuruman doing his thing. So is the beach. I’m driving a desk in Auckland Park. Not cool.

I’m thinking about Mario Oriani-Ambrosini. Let me be more specific. I’m thinking about how Mario Oriani-Ambrosini dragged the debate around marijuana in SA out of the Stone Age and into the 21st century. If only briefly. Weird, but not entirely out of sync with the soul of the Republic.

I’m also thinking about what to do with my vote after the stoners in the Ganja Party failed to make the cut with the Independent Electoral Commission for registration for May 7. I wonder how that happened, bru? Hippies.

For a second, I’m considering making my cross next to the Prince of KwaPhindangene’s head. Only for a second. Voting IFP would be like eating broken glass.

Or supporting Man United.

I’m at the stage where the ANC no longer automatically gets my vote. Whoever gets it, has to offer me something concrete that will directly benefit me.

It’s like that. Everybody is going to raise my taxes as much as possible while doing as little as possible for me in return for my vote.

The politician who would legalise puffing and passing would get Harper’s vote. I’d love to be able to exercise my democratic right to skin up right alongside my right to light a cigarette or pour myself a whiskey.

I don’t trust pollsters, so I decide to poll the parties myself to see who wants my vote.

First up is a call to Super Mario. Mario’s a maverick’s maverick, so needless to say, he has a lot to say. Legalise it, in short. You have to love Mario. All of a sudden, I’m veering toward donning a red jersey with a leopard skin trim again.

I drop the phone like it’s a live mamba. Hurl it under the desk and stamp on it with my Pumas. I steady myself and get hold of Jackson ‘Don’t Buy City Press, Don’t Buy’ Mthembu with my mobile.

Jackson’s clear. Well, clear-ish. There’s a debate after some MP got the ball rolling. The relevant comrade’s been tasked to look into it.

In the meantime, there might be some kind of clause somewhere if you’re dying and only the Holy Herb can help, but he’ll have to consult. In the meantime, talk to Aaron. Aaron will know.

And if I want to blaze up rather than buying a straight after the week’s door to door? Don’t, you’ll get arrested because it’s illegal.

Appalled by the comrade’s lack of interest in the notoriously undecided – and slowed-up – boom bloc’s vote, especially at this late stage in the hustlings, I look for divine intervention.

Who better to ask than Jo-Ann Downs of the African Christian Democratic Party? Jo-Ann’s unwavering. Jah, say no. Except for medicinal purposes. And they’ll have to find something about it in the Bible first.

Broken, I turn to the Economic Freedom Fighters’ Mbuyiseni Ndlozi. The Commissar is caught up along with Julius being forced out of a series of venues in Durban by the not-so-mellow-yellow.

Mbuyiseni asks me to send questions to his Gmail. I’m still waiting for his answers. I’m cool though. The young man’s had his hands full of T-shirts with Nxamalala’s head on for the past couple days.

The DA’s Mbali Ntuli whatsapps me from Cape Town to say her lot don’t have anything in the Blue Book about it because the ANC didn’t mention cannabis in their manifesto. No, she doesn’t, but I want to get her in more trouble with her boss.

Mbali says the DA hasn’t discussed it in any detail but that controlled decriminalisation for medicinal and recreational use fits into the liberal framework.

Mbali went to Colorado in the US last year and discovered that the marijuana industry generated more money there than mobile phones. I don’t dig much of what the DA says, but I can dig that kinda capitalism.

I’m not sure who to canvass next. I consider calling Moses Mayekiso and Themba Godi. Then I realise I’ve lost their numbers. Then I forget.

Maybe I’ll remember before the 7th.

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