Zuma should have called in sick

2013-12-15 06:00

Tuesday. I’m lying on the couch gazing. I’m drained. Broken. It’s not the aftermath of a session with the Ghenginator.

I’m not that fortunate. Since Sunday, I’ve been laid flat by this vicious bastard of a gastric flu.

I’m sweating like a public works official in the waiting room in Thuli’s office. I’ve got the shakes.

I’ve lost 3 kilos since Sunday. I’m off my face from hunger, pharmaceuticals and fever.

It’s a decent trip. Pity about the amoebic dysentery part.

Madiba’s memorial is on the TV. The Commander in Chief is on the podium and he’s not looking pleased.

The CiC has that controlled fury look. Like when Lindiwe Mazibuko got in his face in Parliament over his house. But way worse.

I don’t blame him. It hasn’t been his day. It should have been. This kind of event is his thing. Ceremony. Tradition. Hitting the right note with the punters. Rousing song. Patriotism. He’s good at it. Usually. Not today. Nope.

First up, the CiC gets to meet the Rainboo Nation.

The same cats who normally howl his political opponents out of office. Not this time.

This time the CiC’s on the receiving end. Big time. TM1’s getting cheered.

Bob Mugabe’s rocking the audience. Raúl Castro is bigger than hip-hop. Barack Obama is like a black Jesus.

Even FW de Klerk’s feeling the love. Nobody seems to care that his team kept Madiba in jail for 27 years.

Not our man. The CiC catches it every time his face hits the screen. Like when TM1 got nailed at Sharaha Stadium in Durban.

But way worse. I’m not sure if I’m really seeing this or if it’s the drugs.

This can’t be happening. Not on the day he’s meant to use to banish any murmurs of dissent about his second term.

Then Obama comes with a speech even more murderous than US foreign policy.

Thick with a reference to Madiba serving a single term. Ouch.

Maybe Obama doesn’t dig e-tolls. Or the fire pool.

The faithful are digging Barack, though. They’re all over him. It’s his gig.

The CiC has been mugged. Before he even gets on stage. By the time he does, he’s lost the audience.

He’s a dead man walking. He fumbles through his speech. Nearly drops his papers. The CiC is visibly relieved when it’s all over.

It hasn’t been the CiC’s best of days. Truth is he should have stayed in bed. Chilled on the couch.

Asked Mac Mirage to hook him up a sick note. For gastric flu, or something ...

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