#randomtweet: How to flash the cash like Kenny

2010-11-29 14:02

Now that the cacophony has died down and people are back to loving the colourful money that our mint churns out daily instead of hating on a former criminal who struck it rich, we can start thinking about how we too can be part of the action.

For many a BEE mogul, life is about looking out for number 1. And providing numero uno with the latest jewels, women and only the most expensive booze, darling.

These German car-ed walking symbols of material accumulation walk into a room and they are paid an appearance fee, even at church, so I hear.

The status quo is currently such that we must pay through the nose for breathing through the nostril in the presence of the dark-skinned offspring of King Midas.

So consider my surprise when I learnt that the sushi man himself, Kenny Kunene, lived his lavish life in the humble hope that he might inspire us, the hoi polloi.

If that isn’t philanthropy!

So, being the inspiration-starved previously disadvantaged mutt I am, I compiled a list of three must-dos for those of us who aspire to one day be received into the kennel of the big dogs, via tender or otherwise.

1. Flash the cash.

Listen here, buddy. Don’t let the people around you be oblivious to your zaka, your paper animals, your Gill Marcuses (somehow that last phrase doesn’t have the verbal gravitas of the Benjamins).

You got only R10? Agonise loudly about not knowing whether to invest in a loaf of bread or save up to watch a movie at Cresta, so that when you say, “Goodness, I’ve got money I don’t know what to do with”, you’re actually speaking the truth.

2. Stash the cash

Keep it. Keep that moolah. Which moolah since you haven’t got any, you ask? My friend, there are ways and means of getting cash for free. You can make money by selling things you don’t really need.

Do you have blood? Donate it. They give you biscuits and juice for your blood. No, not the vampires, the nurses.

See, it’s even legal. So you can sell those biscuits and juice (take an identifiable nibble and sip first) for free profit. And on that note, why not sell your kidney to Netcare? So for an extra urine-converter that you’ve had for your whole life but don’t actually need, you’ll be getting mahala profit.

3. Join the stable of labels
There comes a point when those Mike takkies your father got you when you passed your matric have to give way to the real thing: Nikes, baby, Nikes.

Does Sushi Kunene or Tender Yengeni walk about with Folex watches or roll with RMW cars? No. Are you an exception? No. Buy the real deal with the money you’ve accumulated from draining your excess blood for cash.

It all makes economic sense really, and everybody wins in the end. Everybody being you. Numero uno.

4. Change your culinary preferences
Unless you were brought up in Japan, or in a fishing community in the Western Cape that barely had two sticks to rub together to make a fire for roasting fish and thus had to eat the fish raw, this is for you.

Tripe won’t cut it, bro. Neither will eating raw meat in the form of biltong. Only the best raw fish will do for an aspirant wheeler and dealer like you. In fact, cut from your diet anything that has been touched by fire. We are in serious business here.

Have you implemented these critical imperatives to attaining eternal happiness? Yes? Good. Can you hear that sound? It’s trendy Kenny calling you to find out if you’ll join him for a nibble at ZAR. Welcome to le gute laif, my friend!

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