Chuck Norris hits 70

2010-03-13 00:00

Chuck Norris has become a legend on the humour circuit, and his 70th birthday this week revived a flood of whacky ‘facts’ poking fun at the leathery old action man of the movies.

1 Chuck Norris’s first job was as a newspaper delivery boy. There were no survivors.


2 When Arnie says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie, he is implying he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

3 Aliens DO exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on. (And Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding).


4 Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark. Because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.


5 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


6 When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t pushing himself up – he’s pushing the earth down.


7 Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


8 Chuck Norris recently began selling his urine as a beverage. We know it as “Red Bull”.

9 For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.


10 Chuck Nor ris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.


11 Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris, but usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. (Look out, Waddy Jones.)


12 He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris dies by the roundhouse kick.

13 Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It’s a Chucktatorship.

14 Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

15 Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won.

16 Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

17 A handicapped parking spot sign do es not in fact signify that the bay is reserved for the handicapped. It indicates that the parking place belongs to Chuck Norris, and you will soon be handicapped if you park there.

18 If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.

19 Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes dead people.

20 Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

21 Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, but the Grim Reaper’s still too scared to tell him.

22 Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. Then he cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris’s loo paper.

23 Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately, he’s never cried.

24 To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer: Chuck Norris.

25 Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you can’t find Chuck Norris.

• Sourced from Twitter, and

Chuck Norris “facts” originally started appearing on the Internet in early 2005, inspired by TV humourist Conan O’Brien’s skits, which generally centred on Walker, Texas Ranger. The “facts” are normally absurd hyperbolic claims about Norris’s toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity. They typically claim that Chuck Norris is a tough, all-powerful super-being. Chuck Norris facts have spread around the world, leading not only to translated versions, but also spawning localised versions mentioning country-specific advertisements and other Internet phenomena.

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