Diary of a dog

2014-08-18 00:00

6.30 am: Woke up this morning to find the hairy human attacking the small, pretty human. Normally I’d leave them, but the small human gives me peanut butter, so had to save her.

The hairy human was lying on top of the small one. Luckily, I read somewhere that if you stick your nose up a human’s bum it will let go of other humans.

Here goes …

6.31 am: Oh, good, no need to intervene. The hairy human’s furious attack on the little human seems to be over. Strange, normally the attacks are shorter.

6.35 am: It sounds like it’s raining outside. I definitely need to go out for my morning ablutions.

I’ll get the hairy one to take me.

Oh, no, false alarm. No need to go outside. I tell the hairy one and he raises his voice. I think this is a sign of affection in humans.

The hairy one shouts at me all the time. I think he loves me the most.

7 am — 6 pm: The humans have left me at home. I don’t know where they go all day, but it must be terrible because they look so sad when they come home. I don’t mind though, because it gives me time to practise my landscaping.

Hairy’s voice gets very loud when he sees my work. I knew it. He loves it.

I think tomorrow I’ll add two more holes under the fence. That’ll really bring the garden together.

8 pm: Spoke to the neighbour, who says his name is Cat, although Hairy calls her GoddamNoisyFleaBag.

I think this has something to do with Cat’s night-time singing, which Hairy obviously loves because he gets really noisy when he hears it.

I tell GoddamNoisyFleaBag how Hairy loves his singing, pointing out that the best place to do it is under the bedroom window, about 30 minutes after the humans have gone to bed.

I’m thoughtful like that.

11 pm: The humans are asleep and there’s not a sound to be heard in the entire neighbourhood; it’s the perfect time to practise my barking.

11.05 pm: Ooh, that was a good one. Little Human joined in with an almighty shriek, while Hairy roared out my name in admiration.

Humans. So easy to please.

6.35 am: Hairy goes into the kitchen. I hear him yelling my name. This guy absolutely loves me. I go to see what he wants. Oh good. He’s found my Bounce Bounce Chase Chase.

I couldn’t remember where I left it, but now he’s lying on the floor holding it. Looks like he’s broken a cup, too. Oh well, the main thing is he found the Bounce Bounce Chase Chase.

I sometimes see people on TV hitting a Bounce Bounce Chase Chase back and forth and over a net. They’re doing it wrong.

7 am: The problem with the humans’ garden is it’s too small. While they were in the Splash Splash, I did them a favour; I took half the garden inside. I put some in the lounge, the kitchen, on the couch and a bit on the bed.

They are so happy that they are chasing me around house to congratulate me.

8 am: I take Hairy for a walk every day, but he needs to stay on the leash, otherwise he’ll head straight into the traffic. I like to keep him entertained, though, so when I try to get it on his hand I sprint from one side of the room to the other. He loves it.

8.10 am: There’s a massive Flap Flap Quacker in the park. Every morning I run over to say hi, but it jumps away.

I try to follow it, but it must be really light because it just keeps going up.

It often leaves a green, fragrant present behind for me. So thoughtful.

It’s a kind of perfume, I think.

Oh, here comes Hairy, running across the park. He probably wants it for himself. I’ll just roll in it quickly.

10 pm: The humans go out at night sometimes. When they come home they wobble around a lot, especially Hairy.

I’m a bit worried about them.

10.30 pm: Ah ha! My name. Pretty Human is shouting at Hairy. She loves him the most.

She’s found the LeaveItYouLittleShit I was eating.

The humans put them on their feet. I don’t know why because they are delicious. — News24.

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