Here are 10 reasons to unfriend me

2014-09-11 00:00

IT’S nearly the end of 2014. It’s my birthday this week and I’m aware time is increasingly short. Also, as I start to get older, I find I am less patient and less tolerant for purveyors of wocky.

Until now, I’ve been about the patience and tolerance. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, do go ahead and say your thing. Freedom of speech! Yaaaay!

Until now, I would probably even listen. I have become adept at keeping my balance when my eyes roll so far back in my head I can see my own chequered past. I am also capable of being friends with people who do not share my views on stuff as long as you’re still nice to me and I see you being nice to others.

But suddenly, the end of my tether stares me down through the beady eye of the intertubes and it’s time to start deleting people and avoiding others. However — if you know anything about me, it’s that I am officially The Laziest Person In The World.

Debating does not appeal to me. I think what I think and am extremely unlikely to be swayed by Random Angry Chap (yes, even when you most persuasively call me a whore. Funnily enough, that doesn’t help change my mind, but points for trying, nevertheless).

I won’t try convincing you to agree with me. Your opinion is yours and that is just dandy. I’ve learnt arguing your point is tedious and futile, like shaving your toes. Only you notice the difference and you’ll just have to do it all over again in six weeks.

So I have devised a cunning, unfailing plan. I’ll tell you how I feel about a range of potentially thorny topics which have recently come up and if you don’t like what you see, you can chuck me off your list of approved correspondents, no questions asked. This way, I don’t have to do anything except talk and wait for your blood to boil. We don’t have to fight or anything. Here goes:

Religion: I am an atheist (for want of a better word). I just am, because it makes sense to me this way. I don’t believe any religion is inherently bad, but I do think all religions have been devised, used and adjusted by humans to suit themselves. If your faith makes you happy, makes you feel comfortable and loved and safe, and helps you be a Better Person™, then that is cool and really wonderful. Just don’t use it to hurt anyone else in words or deeds.

Abortion: Literally the only person allowed to have an opinion on the termination of pregnancy is the person who is currently pregnant. Everyone else needs to hush. Safe, legal abortions are necessary and always have been — feel free to ask your grannies. If you don’t like it, don’t have one. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Gay marriage and gayness in general: Sensing a pattern, are we? If you have ever used “gay” as an insult, we probably won’t get along. If you don’t believe gay people should be allowed to marry and create families however they wish to, I’m surprised you’ve even read this far. (Shame, you okay? Smelling salts, maybe?)

Race, privilege and South Africa: If the preceding words do not make sense to you, then you won’t like the next ones either. If you’re living in a house with actual brick walls and you’re moaning about your wilted Woolies pak choi, best delete me now.

If you’ve ever quoted Steve Hofmeyr or that woman with the cowboy hat, we can’t be friends. If you’re currently sputtering with impotent privilege rage, it’s okay — just stop reading and go unfollow. Sssh, it’s okay love. Just hit delete.

If you chew bandwidth and ears moaning about this country (but also not offering any solutions or believing you have a part to play in those solutions), then after you leave this country, you can remove me from your Christmas list, I won’t mind.

Parenting: I believe there’s no right or better way to give birth, feed your baby, get your baby to sleep, potty train, educate, clothe or entertain your child. If you feel strongly that there is — well, you know the drill. It’s all just admin and won’t matter one jot in five or 10 years. What will matter is how you treat them, how they see you living and whether or not you believe they are truly a human being and not just an extension of your own ego to be used for blog fodder. Getting uppity about how people choose to deal with the finicky daily details of raising children is to me a sign of: a) insecurity in your own choices and b) a lack of understanding that the real job of parenting is growing good and decent people. Do it however you like, but for goodness sake, do it properly — with love, logic, trial and error, and constant questioning of your own motives.

Spanking children: I think spanking is stupid. Unnecessary, irrational and completely ineffective in the long-term. Militant adherence to spanking as your main form of discipline is going to make me doubt the efficacy of your leetle grey cells.

Vaccination: aah, a real goody. If it wasn’t for vaccination of childhood diseases, we’d all be dropping like flies from smallpox. Dead, dudes. You’d only be able to annoy half the number of people you currently do. By all means, don’t vaccinate your children if you don’t want to. But understand it’s not just about you. I have jabbed my offspring in every way possible and will continue to do so if other possibilities emerge, because I don’t want them (or the rest of humanity) to die. Maybe one day this will prove a mistake. Based on current information, (up to and including we are having this discussion and not dead from smallpox), it seems like the right thing to do.

Afterlife, reincarnation and all manner of supernatural warra-warra : um, no. As with the religious stuff, it just doesn’t make sense to me. However, what the heck do I know. I could be 100% wrong. So whatever you think is cool, but any completely unshakeable belief in either direction is a bit suspect, in my opinion.

Condoms in schools: oh, absolutely. Give the teenagers all the condoms, all the time, always. It should rain condoms down from the skies, because sex happens. Of course they are freely available elsewhere, but available does not necessarily mean freely accessible, for a metric ton of reasons that make me angry and usually involve thin-lipped moralising adults with selective amnesia and a terminal case of retrograde virginity.

Feminisim: if you have ever used the word feminazi other than ironically, go ahead — hit that unfollow button right now dude. Really. If you don’t understand that rape culture, misogyny and general awfulness abound everywhere you look, then we need to part ways at sunset.

There you have it. Ten excellent reasons for us never, ever to meet for tea and scones. Told you it was a cunning plan. — News24.

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