How to transform your pet from mutt to oracle

2010-07-19 00:00

WHEN I was in primary school, my friend introduced me to the concept of a psychic eraser. The said eraser had the words “yes”, “no” and “maybe” written on the different sides and could answer all questions with a simple toss:

Does the boy sitting in front of me like me? Yes.

Will I pass my maths test on Friday? No.

Is it going to rain tomorrow? Maybe.

As time elapsed, the methods of fortune-telling subscribed to by my friends progressed to less illogical forms such as astrology columns, tarot cards and online Magic 8-Ball. The woman who claimed that she could read palms seemed greater than God due to her ability to ans-wer in the spoken word. The negligible odds of the fortune-teller being right did not matter when compared with the gained insight into the future.

People love psychics, especially when there are great risks involved in life investments: whether to change your career choice, whether to marry that man you’ve been dating for a month or whether to bet your last R12 000 on Pocket Power in the seventh race in the Durban July. If Frodo had a psychic, the great Lord of the Rings trilogy could have been reduced to a single novella, saving the world from its nine-hour film adaption (not that I complained). That said, however, Twilight does have a psychic vampire and the saga still churned out four life-draggingly long episodes.

Forget cards, bones and old gypsy-like women, the World Cup has brought about a new trend: psychic animals. There’s the infamous Paul the octopus and his not-so-psy- chic wannabes, Mani the Parakeet and Pino the Chimpanzee, who faded into nihility­ after incorrectly predicting the finals. With Paul having retired from the oracle business to spend his days entertaining children (as my Dad always said, get out while you are still on top), there is an open gate of opportunity for psychic animals. If trained correctly, your beloved pet could swell your income into millions in the same amount of time that you would spend ticking the corresponding numbers on your Lotto ticket; unless your pet follows Oscar the Cat’s psychic calling as a four-legged death reaper. Steere House Nursing Home’s death-sniffing Tabby did, however, have a book written about him.

So here are some of the secrets on how to train your pet to be a famous psychic:

• Take your pet to a bingo game and place it by the winners at the end. After 10 bingo games, let your pet wander freely (with fish, place them on a central high table and watch the direction they swim towards). Your pet should be able to sniff out the scent of a winner; if not, try a different pet.

• Do not give your pet Red Bull to drink (not even if it is already winged). It will fly away and bring great fortune to the person who finds it.

• Keep your pets at a 10-metre radius from the TV whenever watching Crossing Over with John Edwards. That man is a fake and may give your pet a bad psychic aura.

Note: if your pet publicly fails as a psychic, I suggest changing its name and perhaps spray painting its fur, skin, scales or feathers.

Best of luck. Remember, if an eight-tentacled mollusc can do it, so can your furry rodent. My feline predicts that the next famous psychic will be a platypus. So if you are serious about training your pet, maybe try to adopt a platypus.

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