Monday Morning Survival Guide

2010-11-08 00:00

SKINNY jeans-loving Simmi Areff may be new to the comedy­ scene, but he has shared the stage with some of South Africa’s top talent, including international comedians.

“I have opened for Riaad Moosa and John Vlismas, shared a car with Mark Banks and stayed in the same hotel, in a room next to Trevor Noah,” he says.

Having cracked up audiences in most of the major clubs in South Africa (including Cool Runnings and Zulu Bar), as well as performing­ at Durban’s Playhouse and Johannesburg­’s Globe Theatre, Areff aims one day to get his own TV show or, even better, open for legendary comedian Dave Chapelle.

“I just enjoyed telling jokes and have now been doing standup for about two years and a bit, but we Durban guys don’t get to do as many gigs as other comedians in the country ... so it’s more like three days.”

Off the stage, Areff has an Idols-worthy perfect pitch. He loves shoe shopping and is a huge Neil Diamond fan.

Hmmm ... we put his funny to the test.


What is your Monday Morning Survival Guide?

Update my Twitter.


The printer broke. All you have is some glue and a paper­ clip. What do you do?

Sniff the glue and use the paper clip to engrave “printer is broken” on the printer.


What is the strangest thing you’ve done while waiting in a long queue?

I annoyed this guy who had corrected my English. After he corrected me I just started messing with the language. Like I said I was amphibious because I could write with both my hands.


Who killed Colonel Mustard?

The same guys who killed Brett Kebble.

How would you describe South Africa to a blind and deaf foreigner?

I would take his wallet.


What is the funniest thing that has happened to you as a result of your being Muslim?

I was performing at this big show and the organiser phoned to ask what I would like to eat, so I said:, “Anything, as long as it’s not pork. Or anything from a pig.” When I got to the gig, there was a platter of sandwiches that had bacon and cheese. So I said, “Dude is this pork?” And the guy said: “No dude, it is bacon.” * shakes head *.


How did your parents react to the whole comedy decision?

They are fine with it. The deal was that I had to go to university and get a degree, after that I was free to do whatever I wanted ... as long as I don’t bring a girl home pregnant. But they have been extremely supportive.


How will the world end?

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber will collaborate on a song thus blowing up all our ear drums while disturbing the Earth’s core and causing a massive explosion.


What is the best thing since sliced bread?

Patrick Lambie. That kid can get any girl. I’m so jealous.


What is the craziest thing someone has ever said to you?

“Simmi, I miss my mother.” This was Robbie Collins, also a comedian. We were in a tent sharing a blanket, so we were forced to cuddle. I was ripped when he said it.


What have you always wanted to say to an ex-girlfriend?

“Dear ex-girlfriend, remember the condoms that I left at your house that you now used on your new boyfriend? Well I poked holes in them with a pin.”* hee hee hee hee *.




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